Buy Me Love
by DeliverUsFromEvie
Summary: Remy Buxaplenty, fed up with his fairy godfather's never-ending romantic conquests and his lack of a loving set of parents, decides he wants Wanda to be his fairy godmother. In an unexpected way, how could this arrangement turn out be beneficial to everyone and, at the same time, possibly doom the world?
1. Home Is Where the Scheme Is

Remy Buxaplenty sat with his arms crossed, staring out the window of the limousine.

It was raining, of course. How cliche.

Raindrops trailed off the window pane he stared out of. His expression and thoughts remained indubitably indifferent, even as the limo rolled into town and, through the murky wet window, he could make out the blurry words of the "_Welcome to Dimmsdale, Nicest Town on Earth_" sign.

He remained emotionless even as it drove into the familiar neighborhood of oversized houses and fancy mansions. Even as it pulled up into the driveway of the largest mansion on the corner of the street, the gate in front engraved with a large, golden _B_. The limo came to a stop in front of the enormous manor and its large, prominently white front doors. Uninspired, Remy stepped out of the limousine, apathetically handing a wad of cash to the chauffeur that had opened the car door for him.

The chauffeur handed his umbrella to Remy, before sliding back into the vehicle. The blond boy propped it above his head and, carefully sidestepping the puddles of water scattered on the pavement, walked up the path to the mansion's entrance. In front of the colossal and dwarfing front doors, he stood, using a gentle hand, and pushed against one of the large things.

With a loud, heavy creak, it slowly opened.

No one was inside. The giant foyer awaiting him was barren.

He hadn't been expecting anyone to be, though. The blond-haired boy stepped inside, shutting the umbrella and setting it aside. It would've been silly of him to expect otherwise.

It was his first day back from F.U.N. Academy, the dreadful boarding school he had had to attend for far too long. He'd survived the excruciating months there, if only just barely, and now here he was, finally back to the empty place he begrudgingly called "home."

What was an eleven-year-old boy supposed to expect coming home from a boarding school? A celebration? A welcome home party? No, of course not. Not in Remy's case, at least. His parents probably didn't even remember that he was coming home that day. Considering the fleeting time his parents spent with him before he had gone, it wasn't so farfetched to think his parents probably didn't even remember he'd left in the first place.

It wasn't even farfetched to think his parents probably didn't even remember they had a son.

Remy huffed to himself, and, without a moment's hesitation, took off up the stairs, down the hallway leading to his bedroom—its door closed.

At least there was one thing he could count on.

Biting his lip anxiously, he quickly and eagerly flung open the bedroom door, anticipating what was inside. And what he found was...

A muscular, Latino fairy floating in the middle of the room, smugly admiring his own body in a floating mirror.

"Why, Juandissimo, aren't you looking gorgeous today?" he spoke to his reflection complacently, flexing his biceps at ever angle. "Why, _gracias_, Juandissimo, you are looking gorgeous as well. _Thank you_! No, thank_ you_. No, no, thank _you_..."

Remy deadpanned, dropping his arms to his sides. He then crossed him against his chest and cleared his throat. "I see I have interrupted something very important here, I apologize. I can leave you and..._yourself_ to yourself and just come back later, if you want me to."

Juandissimo turned his head away from the mirror and the mirror _poof!_ed away. He looked with blinking surprise at Remy, whom he had not even noticed entering the room. Then quickly, an expression of great delight swept over the fairy's face.

"_Remy_!" the fairy exclaimed gleefully, swooping down to embrace the boy tightly. "_Mi ahijado_, you're finally home!"

Remy smiled, indulging in his fairy godfather's tight and loving embrace that he hadn't felt in months. "Juandissimo," he sighed, "glad to know someone is happy to see me."

"Of course!" Juandissimo grinned, pulling away and grabbing the boy's arms tightly with excitement. "I've been waiting with such anticipation all day for you! I wasn't sure, if, you know, you wanted to to invite people and throw a party or something. I kind of figured, though, that my amazing presence alone would satiate you."

Remy rolled his eyes. "The same old Juandissimo, I acknowledge?" he spoke in his causal, supercilious manner.

"You weren't expecting me to change, were you, amigo?" Juandissimo smirked.

"I suppose not," Remy replied in his same tone.

Juandissimo folded his hands and flew closer to the boy again. "How has your life has been, Remy, since I left you? Oh, I feel like it's been ages since I last saw you!" the fairy exclaimed, placing a hand to his chest dramatically. "But that was the way it had to be, when Jorgen came and said that, after the..._incident_ we had with Ti—"

Juandissimo ceased talking as Remy gave him an icy glare. "Don't say his name," he hissed under his breath.

Juandissimo blinked, and then picked back up what he was saying. "...well, after the _incident_ with a certain buck-toothed boy that you are very much _not_ amigos with, Jorgen demanded that I was not allowed to see you again until after you were finished with your stay at the F.U.N. Academy," he smiled, "and I have been waiting here, patiently, until you returned home. And now, finally, _you're home_!"

"Exposition, Juandissimo, was it really necessary?" Remy muttered unenthusiastically, to which Juandissimo replied with a shrug. Remy sighed and folded his arms. "In any case, I've really missed you, Juandissimo. If only that gigantic, idiotic _brute_ wasn't so awfully unreasonable."

"Well, think of it this way," Juandissimo shrugged, "At least he did not take me away from you forever. Of course, that may only be because he wanted to avoid my cooking. Which honestly isn't so bad now that I've improved since you've been gone! Speaking of which, are you hungry?"

"Mildly," Remy stated. "I suppose you're right in that aspect. Although isn't he married now? You'd think that he may get his _wife_ to cook for him instead..."

Juandissimo waved his wand and _poof!_ed a large bowl filled with piping hot murky green substance. He held the bowl out to Remy. "It's goulash! I know it's one of your favorites. I'm trying a new recipe, so tell me if you like it."

Remy did not reply, he only stared down at the bowl Juandissimo was offering to him inexpressively.

"Remy?" Juandissimo raised an eyebrow after a moment. "Are you going to try it or not?"

Remy looked up from the bowl. "...why don't you have a wife?"

Juandissimo blinked in surprise, almost dropping the bowl of 'goulash' on the floor—luckily, the magical bowl was able to defy gravity and levitate in the air until he was able to grasp it again. "...wh-what?"

"You heard me," Remy stated bluntly, folding his arms and meeting eyes back with Juandissimo's. "Why? Why can't you settle down with a decent woman? You're over ten thousand years old, for goodness sake, surely there's been _plenty of time_?"

Juandissimo stared at Remy with wide eyes, and his eyebrows twitched slightly. "Now, now, Remy, you're starting to sound like...my mother...who I became a fairy godparent to get _away_ from," he laughed nervously.

"I just don't understand you, Juandissimo," Remy narrowed his eyes, "I'm aware of your lifestyle, you know. One woman in, another woman out—does your incredible inability to stay with the same woman for longer than a couple of days not _bother_ you?"

Juandissimo's expression fretted, and he pulled the bowl of his questionable soup to his chest defensively. "Well, Remy, you must acknowledge that I'm not the only one at fault in each situation." he bowed his head in sorrow and sighed. "Try as I might, it seems as though my wonder wears off after the first couple of days on each woman, and theirs on mine. And alas, although I am infinitely gorgeous and almost completely perfect in every way, it is my fatal flaw that I cannot feel deeply or commit to a relationship with any woman in this universe."

Remy regarded Juandissimo for a few moments, and then snarled. "You suck."

Juandissimo looked back up at him, surprised by the uncharacteristically juvenile remark from Remy. "If you say so, child. But..." a smile quickly grew on his face again. "I look completely gorgeous all the while, no?"

"Whatever," Remy sneered with a roll of his eyes. He sighed and spun around, sliding a hand over the top of his dresser. "I see you've done a bit of reorganization in here?"

"Yes, I thought I would do a bit of tidying up for you," Juandissimo glanced down at the bowl he was still holding in his hands. "So, are you gonna eat this or...?"

Remy opened the drawers of his dresser. "Hmph. You went through all my clothes."

"Oh, yeah," Juandissimo _poof!_ed away the bowl of green and then conjured up a bottle of laundry detergent. "Once you get your luggage up here, I'll do your laundry," he stated. "I hope lavender scent is alright. Honestly, I don't think it's as refreshing as lilac, but if I have to settle..."

"Wait..." Remy wrinkled his brow as he sifted through the neatly folded white coats and red bowties organized in the drawers of his dresser. He pulled a small piece of paper out from the clothing—a photograph, actually. It was a picture of a smiling female fairy, her hair a swirly pink that matched the color of her eyes.

He scoffed at the picture. "Hey Juandissimo, I found a picture of that lady you stalk in my dresser. You must have dropped it."

"...hm?" Juandissimo looked over at Remy curiously, _poof!_ing away the detergent he was holding. "Oh, oops. Thanks."

The fairy held his hand out to Remy. Remy started to hand the photo to him, but snapped his arm back suddenly.

"Wait," Remy paused, bringing the photo back to his face, looking at it closely.

Remy frowned. He found something quite strange about the picture, although he wasn't quite sure what.

"...What's the name of this woman again?" the boy asked suspiciously, peering up at Juandissimo.

Juandissimo regarded him cooly. "Wanda," he replied nonchalantly, "a beautiful name to suit only the most beautiful woman in the world herself."

Remy squinted at the photo. He blinked as the memories quickly began to return to him. "Oh, right...this is _Turner's_ godmother. The fairy we tried to kill along with her husband but failed...and then whose attempted murder ended up costing me you for the remainder of my time at F.U.N. Academy."

"...yep," Juandissimo replied skeptically, "I believe killing her was _your_ idea, though."

Remy pursed his lips, still staring at the picture in his hand, the moments from _the_ _incident_ recollecting themselves in his mind as though it were yesterday.

"_You evil little boy!" the pink-eyed goldfish hissed at him angrily, as the boy stood before the doomed fishbowl, cackling evilly._

_Remy took a moment to pause from his evil laughter to look down at Wanda. He could see the utmost rage blossoming in her eyes as he smiled at her. "Why, thank you!" he exclaimed cheerfully, accepting her comment as a compliment, before resuming to his maniacal laughter._

It _had_ been a compliment, and still was, in Remy's mind. "You know," the boy looked at Juandissimo, "I never asked you why you're still so obsessed with this woman even though she dumped you about ten millenniums ago."

Juandissimo's face twitched, undoubtably still nettled by the memory. "Perhaps because she is the most perfect being in the universe," he suggested, and then looked at the ceiling, "also maybe, in a way, she is the reason _why_ I cannot commit to a relationship, because I find it impossible fall out of love with the first woman I ever fell in it with and I live a life of longing and—"

"Alright, shut up," Remy ordered, looking back down at the photograph. He scrunched his nose and put a thumb beside the small heart that had been etched in next to Wanda's face. He'd seen photos of her a million times before, but he hadn't really _looked_ at them or acknowledged her as anyone other than the woman associated with his mortal enemy and that his godfather had way too unhealthy an obsession with.

But there was something different that he saw now...and he still wasn't sure what.

"So this is the woman you _love_?" the boy asked calmly, but his voice spiked sharply at the last word of his sentence—for no particular reason, other than he didn't much like that word.

"Always have, always will," Juandissimo replied smoothly. Then he raised his eyebrow. "_Whyyyy _do you take such an interest in my love life so suddenly?"

"Oh, no reason," an evil grin began to grow on Remy's face, "except for I suddenly have an idea."

"So...there _is_ a reason, then," Juandissimo pointed out with a frown.

Remy stared down at Wanda's photo with his gleaming evil smile and he began to chuckle, before dropping the photo and raising his arms in the air as he started to full out guffaw with evil laughter.

Juandissimo watched his godson laugh with a blank expression, completely used to this sort of behavior from him. "If you are going to spend some time laughing malevolently, can I at least have my photo back?" he asked.

Remy halted his laughter abruptly and rolled his eyes at Juandissimo, bending down to pick the picture up. "Where do you _get _so many impromptu pictures of her, anyway?" Remy raised an eyebrow.

Juandissimo plucked the photo from Remy's hand and shrugged dismissively. "Internet."

Remy blinked. "Where on the intern—...never mind, I don't care," he rubbed his hands together evilly, "because I have a plan, a plan that will _certainly_ bring Turner down _this_ time."

Little did the laughing boy know how much his plan would change some certain things..._forever_.

* * *

_A/N: I'm starting another fanfic? That's...that's two in a year! What's wrong with me?...Apart from the obvious things?__  
_

_Well~I hope you enjoy reading it, and hopefully I'll enjoy writing it, hahaha. Some things are easier said than done. Thanks for reading the first chapter! (: ~Evie_


	2. How Much Is That Fairy in the Window?

Timmy Turner stared contemplatively out his window as raindrops continued to drizzle down its pane. The rain benefit him, but put him at odds at the same time: His parents had had to cancel their date at the Outdoor Toaster Emporium (it was Timmy who had to convince them that going to this event in the rain was probably not a good idea) and stay home, which meant that Vicky didn't have to come over that day like she was supposed to. Then again, all rain and no evil babysitter to run away from left him with nothing much to do.

Timmy turned from the window to face the other three people in his room. "Well, what do you guys think?" he asked.

"_I don't_!" the green-haired one responded cheerfully.

"Maybe there's something on TV that could satiate your boredom?" the pink-haired one suggested, feeling a bottle to the purple-haired baby in her arms.

Timmy scoffed. "It's 1PM on a Sunday, Wanda. The only thing on television at this hour are those dumb courthouse shows."

To demonstrate, the pink-hatted boy grabbed the television remote and turned it on.

"_Next on Judge Rudy,_" a voice announced, "_a man sues his loaf of bread for stealing five bucks from him! In this battle of wits, who will be the last BUN standing?_"

"Alright, point taken," Wanda frowned.

"There's always _Jerry Springer_!" Cosmo suggested, grabbing the remote from Timmy's hand to change the channel.

"_NO_!" Timmy and Wanda both reached for the remote to knock it out of Cosmo's hand.

Cosmo narrowed his eyes, looking offended. "Sheesh, alright. Are you guys hungry? I'm hungry. I'm gonna order a pizza."

The green-haired fairy disappeared. Timmy regarded the two fairies left in his room skeptically.

"Well, _this_ day couldn't get more boring," Timmy stated.

Wanda shrugged. "Well, sport. You could look at it as a day to relax. Take a break from crazy, hectic things for once?"

"_OHHHH, TIMMYYY_!" a voice beckoned from the hallway. Wanda and Poof quickly _poof!_ed into two goldfish in their fishbowl as Timmy's Dad threw open the bedroom door. "_GUESS WHAT, SON_!"

"You have a lot of back hair?" Timmy guessed.

Dad stared at him blankly for a few moments before pointing a finger in the air defiantly. "...GUESS WHAT _ELSE_!" he urged.

"Alright, what, Dad?"

"I need _you_...to sort out my dirty socks and underwear!" Dad replied, pushing an overflowing basket of unwashed clothing into Timmy's arms, stink lines and flies rising from the putrid pile.

"Eeww!" Timmy dropped the basket at his feet in surprised disgust. "_Dad_! I don't wanna touch your gross clothes! Why don't _you_ sort them out?"

Dad practically burst out laughing. "Are you kidding, Timmy, that's disgusting! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be downstairs watching Judge Rudy. _Justice will be served for that loaf of bread_!"

And with that, the man turned and paraded out of Timmy's bedroom, the door slamming behind him.

Wanda and Poof both transformed back into fairies beside the human boy.

Timmy winced, staring down at the basket of clothes uneasily. "Um...is it just me, you guys, or is the basket moving?"

The basket began to quake, rocking back and forth on the floor violently. Timmy backed away from the clothes in fear.

Suddenly, emerging from the dirty underwear and socks, a giant, mucky, green monster emerged and roared and convulsed back and forth, before looking down at glaring at the minuscule boy in its wake.

Timmy screamed. "A _laundry monster_?" he yelled in incredulity. "_Are you kidding me_?"

The laundry monster responded to Timmy's scream with another roar, bending down and devouring the boy in one gulp.

Wanda and Poof gasped. Wanda quickly raised her wand and magicked all of the dirty laundry clean and sorted out into different piles. The monster only had a moment to blink before he disappeared, leaving Timmy lying in the laundry basket in a daze.

"You alright, Timmy?" Wanda asked, floating beside him.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Timmy rubbed his head. "That was disgusting, though! What'd you do with the monster?"

Wanda smirked. "I think you'll like what I did."

* * *

"_MOTHER_!" Crocker yelled, wandering up to his front door. "Have my pills arrived yet?" he looked down at a box sitting at his feet. "Hey, what's this?"

The hunchbacked man ripped open the package and lifted the flaps. The giant monster popped out and glared down at him.

Crocker blinked. "Yeah, I really need those pills."

The monster roared and swallowed Crocker whole.

"_AAHHH_! _HELP_!" Crocker screamed from inside its bowels, pausing to sniff. "...why does it smell like dirty socks in here? _HELP_! _MOTHERRRR_! I WILL _GET_ YOU FOR THIS!"

* * *

Timmy and Wanda both giggled. Timmy climbed out of the laundry basket and dusted himself off.

"Thanks, Wanda," he smiled up at at her. "I don't know what I would do without you."

Suddenly a loud honk of a horn came from outside Timmy's house. The boy walked over to the window.

Timmy pressed his hands against the pane and tilted his head. "Ummm. Why is there a giant limo in front of my house?"

Wanda and Poof peered out beside him. Sure enough, an absurdly long limousine was parked out in front of the suburban home, its shiny white exterior glistening blindingly in the rainy street.

"That wouldn't be Cosmo's pizza, would it?" Wanda asked somewhat sarcastically.

Timmy squinted, pursing his lips as a sickening feeling began to grow inside of him. "Who does it belong to? Call me crazy, but it looks...eerily familiar..."

Sudden thunder and lightning erupted from the sky right outside of the window and, as though on cue, the bedroom door behind them flew open. Timmy, Wanda, and Poof spun around in alarm.

"Timmy Turner," Remy spoke smoothly, slipping out of the darkness of the hallway. "We meet again."

Timmy and Wanda both gasped in a disbelieving state of incredulous horror. "_Remy Buxaplenty_?" they both shouted.

"Of course," Remy smirked, "Who else would I be?"

He began to laugh evilly again—now with thunder and lightning cracking in the background and all of that fancy jazz to go along with it.

"What are you _doing_ here?" Timmy exclaimed, leaning back against his bed and gripping onto the bedsheets. He and Wanda both narrowed their eyes and took a defensive stance. Poof, who was confused, looked over at both of them and did his best to mirror their angry expressions.

"What, no hello?" Remy raised an eyebrow and put a hand on his hip. "I haven't seen you in such a long time I thought you might be more excited to see me."

"Well I never thought I'd see you _again_!" Timmy hissed. "You're not supposed to be here! After you—and the..." he waved his arms, struggling to find words. "..F.U.N. Academy! And you...you _lost_ Juandissimo!"

"Negatory," Remy folded his arms, "I never _lost_ Juandissimo. I was given a penalization period of magical rehabilitation. Fortunately—for _me_ and probably not for _you__—_that period is now up." he grinned evilly.

"And you came _here_ because?" Timmy glared at him, barring his teeth. "I'm not going to fall for any of your tricks again, Remy! Get out of here and leave us alone!"

"I've not here to play tricks," Remy smiled, "Besides, I didn't think you were stupid enough to fall for another one of mine. Oh, wait, actually, I _do _think you're stupid enough." he chuckled. "But honestly, I'm not here to trick you into anything."

Timmy pursed his lips in annoyance. "So...you just came to make jibes at my intelligence, or what?"

"Well, that was one reason. The more important reason I came is because I'd like to see if we could make an exchange," Remy stated, and smirked, folding his hands together. "For your fairy godmother."

"Well I—" Timmy began angrily, before realizing what Remy had just proposed. "Wait..._what_ did you just say?"

"_What_?" Wanda exclaimed.

At that precise moment, Cosmo _poof!_ed back into the room, holding a phonebook in his hands. "Hey guys! I have to order pizza over the—" Cosmo stopped talking, noticing their surprised expressions, spun around and quickly acknowledged the blond boy standing in the room with them, "Oh, hey, it's the big-nosed kid that Timmy doesn't like! _Hi, big-nosed kid that Timmy doesn't like_!" he waved cheerfully.

"What do you mean an exchange for my fairy godmother?" Timmy asked, still reeling in confusion and ignoring Cosmo.

"I mean _money_, Turner," Remy smirked. "And lots of it. Because, after all, I _am_ filthy rich."

Timmy blinked. "You...you want to _buy_ _Wanda_?" he exclaimed. "What? You can't _buy_ her!"

"Yeah, you can't _buy_ me!" Wanda snapped. "I'm not an item, I'm a _person_!"

"Really, I can't?" Remy folded his arms. "Well, I've not got much cash on me right now, only about...five thousand dollars. But, along with that, I can also throw in this nice keychain," the boy offered, holding up a a big, yellow smiley face keychain. Remy squeezed the keychain and it made a loud, playful squeaking noise.

"Yay! It squeaks!" Cosmo cheered.

Timmy stared at the keychain. "Alright, that _is_ a nice keychain, but _no_! You can't buy her!"

Unfazed, Remy reached into his pocket. "You drive a hard bargain, Turner, I'm going to have to get out my checkbook. How about I double my offer, and...oh, for kicks," he leaned in closer to Timmy, "why don't I throw in _my entire Crash Nebula comic book collection_?"

Timmy blinked in surprise, and raised an eyebrow the boy who was now uncomfortably close to his face. "...you're not...serious, are you?"

"_EXCUSE ME_!" Wanda shouted angrily, flying between the boys and crossing her arms. "I will _not_ be bought! I refuse to be _bartered like an OBJECT_!"

Remy glanced up at her apathetically and sighed, then looked back over at Timmy. "Okay, if she's going to keep screaming like that, I'm going to have to tone down my offer a few thousand. _Seven thousand dollars_ and all of my comic books?"

"_NO_!" Wanda snarled, beginning to foam at the mouth.

"Remy—" Timmy began with a frown.

"_Eight_ thousand dollars? All of my comics, and I can also throw in my new vCube 3.0 and all of my video games," Remy proposed.

Timmy stared at Remy, growing more and more bemused. "...um—"

"Eight thousand five hundred," Remy continued to go on, "Nine thousand?"

"WILL YOU _STOP_?" Wanda snapped, throwing her head back and grabbing her hair in frustration. "I WILL NOT BE BOUGHT! NOT FOR _ANY_ AMOUNT OF ITEM BRIBERY OR _ANY_ AMOUNT OF MONEY—"

"_Nine thousand five hundred_!" Cosmo piped up happily.

"—_COSMO_!" Wanda spun around to glare at him in inexplicable rage.

The green-haired fairy blinked in surprise at her reaction, pulling the phonebook he was holding tight to his chest. "What? What are you guys talking about? I don't even know what we're talking about! I thought we were all just yelling out random numbers!"

"Nine thousand, five hundred dollars," Remy declared, "all of my comic books, and all of my video games, in exchange for your fairy godmother. Sound like a fair trade to you, Turner?"

"_NO_!" Wanda yelled.

"_ELEVEN_!" Cosmo howled.

"Eleven?" Remy frowned. "Eleven dollars?"

Cosmo frowned. "Aren't we still yelling out random numbers? _FIFTY-SEVENTEEN_!"

"_SHUT UP COSMO_!" Wanda screamed.

Remy regarded Timmy smugly. "Do you accept my offer, Turner? All of that money, all of those comics, and all of those video games can be _yours_...if you just hand over the fairy."

Timmy gaped at him. After a few seconds, the boy was able to shake off his dumbfoundness and regain his glare at Remy. "I said _no_, Remy, you can't buy Wanda! She's _my_ godmother and she is _not_ for sale, so take your stupid money and get out of my _face_!"

Remy knitted his brow and folded his arms skeptically at the pink-hatted boy. "Hmm..." he narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. "Very well, Turner, I'm sorry you feel that way. I guess I'll see you later, then."

The blond boy spun around, his arms still folded, his head raised high, and began to hightail out of Timmy's room.

But, when he made it to the doorway, he turned back around to look at Timmy and gave him one last evil smirk.

"..._in court_."

And with that, Remy exited the room, the door slamming shut behind him.

Timmy relaxed hesitantly once the boy had gone, his mouth hanging open as the complete surprise of what had just happened still did not leave him. After a few moments, he finally spoke again. "...that. Was really, _really weird_."

Wanda floated beside him and Poof dumbly, also obviously still reeling from shock. "You're—you're telling me," she concurred with a numbness in her voice.

Timmy huffed, shaking his head in perplexity. "What did he mean...'_in court'_? What was that all about?"

"No idea," Cosmo stated absentmindedly, flipping through the phonebook in his hands (which he was holding upside down). "I also have no idea where the _pizza_ _listings_ are in this stupid phonebook. _FORTY-TWELVE_! We're still yelling numbers, right?"

Wanda yanked the phonebook out of Cosmo's hands and smacked him sharply across the head with it, knocking the fairy out.

Timmy deadpanned, looking at Cosmo's unconscious body where it had fallen down beside him. "...I have a feeling we're not gonna get that break from crazy hecticness."

* * *

_A/N: Hi people! Thank you for the kind reviews, they make me happy. ;u; I wish a Happy Turkey Day to my fellow Americans, and hopefully I'll be able to get the next chapter out very soon!_


	3. The People Are Real, the Cases Are Real

"You did _what_?" Juandissimo frowned.

"My initial way of going about the plan was not successful, but I was prepared for that anyway," Remy waved his hand dismissively. "It's time for us to move onto plan B."

"You went to visit—" the muscular fairy tilted his head mesmerically at Remy and shook his head. "You've only returned home less than two hours ago and you've already come up with another complex evil scheme. I suppose I should've been more expecting of this."

"It's not _inherently_ evil," Remy asserted, "I'm trying to do a _nice_ thing for you here, Juandissimo, I'm getting you this woman. After all, you do—_love_—her, don't you?"

"Well I never said I was _against _the whole plan," Juandissimo stated, somewhat feebly, glancing up at the ceiling of Remy's bedroom. "I'm just a bit concerned. The last time you planned something evil—against this _chico_ in particular—I got taken away from you for several months. Should we really rush into a repeated offense?"

"Nonsense, Juandissimo. This isn't anything like any of my other plans," Remy replied, "It's better."

"How so?"

Remy smiled. "Because for once, we get the law on _our_ side."

* * *

Growing uncomfortable, Timmy stood up from his seat on the floor, looking down at his hand of cards scornfully. He threw them into the middle pile and shook his head. "I fold."

"Timmy, we're playing Go Fish," Wanda pointed out with a frown. She float-sat across from the pink-hatted boy and beside Poof, both holding their own hands of cards.

"I don't want to play anymore," Timmy crossed his arms, annoyed at his own conflicting feelings of wanting to do something, but not being able to. "Get Cosmo to take over for me."

"It's been over thirty minutes," the green-haired fairy in question was floating in the corner of the room, pouting. "...my pizza's still not here..."

"Timmy, I think you should relax," Wanda suggested to him. "What happened an hour ago was a bit..._odd_, but I don't think you should be so worried about it."

"Well I am," Timmy replied steadfastly. "I'm not letting my guard down just in case anything else crazy comes our way today."

Seconds after the words left the pink-hatted boy's mouth, a swirl of magic dust sparkled on the other side of the room, and a familiar giant muscular fairy _poof!_ed before them.

"_TIMMY TURNER_!" Jorgen Von Strangle boomed.

"Ooh, does _he_ count as 'else crazy'?" Cosmo asked, pointing a thumb in Jorgen's general direction.

"_Jorgen_!" Timmy frowned at the sight of the giant fairy. "What do you want?"

Jorgen frowned back at the boy, stepping back and taking a defensive stance by crossing his arms. "Yeesh, why does everyone always seem unhappy to see me? It's like every time I poof into someone's room they're always like, '_ahh_! _It's Jorgen_!' I mean, come on, I'm all for people fearing me, but it wouldn't hurt to get some positive recognition every once in a while, you know..."

"Maybe no one's excited to see you because you always bring bad news?" Timmy replied starkly.

"I don't _always _bring bad news!" Jorgen defended, holding his arms up. "That's an improper assumption!"

Timmy folded his arms. "So...are you here to bring us _good_ news, then?" he asked hopefully.

Jorgen shrugged. "...Well no. Not really." the fairy _poof!_ed up a manila folder and held it out to the four. "I came to bring you guys a court summons."

"A _court summons_?" Timmy snatched the folder from Jorgen's hand. "What are we being summoned for?" he asked.

"Well, apparently you're having a custody battle," Jorgen answered, "over Wanda."

"_Custody_?" Wanda exclaimed, grabbing the folder from Timmy and looking through it frantically. "I don't need anyone's custody, I'm a grown woman!"

"Well, according to the laws of _godparental custody_, all three of you do, and _are_, in Timmy's custody," Jorgen stated. "But perhaps not you, Wanda, for much longer."

"But...but that's _insane_!" Timmy snapped. "This is all insane!"

"When's the case?" Wanda asked worriedly.

"It should say in that folder," Jorgen replied, but then glanced down at his wristwatch. "...but, just so you know, it's _right now_."

"What do you mean it's right n—"

Jorgen gleefully pounded his wand on the floor, and the five creatures in the room all disappeared.

* * *

Seconds later, Timmy and the gang found themselves in an adequately sized courtroom full of people. Timmy glanced around at his new surroundings in surprise and then glared at Jorgen.

"Could've given us a moment's notice!" he snapped.

Jorgen shrugged. "I did. You just weren't paying attention."

"Glad you and your posse could make it, Turner," came the glib voice of Remy Buxaplenty, seated at the other table in the room. Juandissimo floated beside him and waved awkwardly at the pink-hatted boy.

"_Remy_!" Timmy snarled through his teeth. "This is _ridiculous_! You come into my house demanding my fairy godmother for absolutely no reason at all and now you're taking me to court?"

"Welcome to the real world, Turner," Remy replied smugly, "where _everything_ can be fixed in court."

"You've got to be kidding me!" Timmy exclaimed. "How can taking me to court get you Wanda?"

Remy casually pulled out Da Rules book from under his table. He flipped open to a bookmarked page. "Because, Turner—according to the Rule of Godparental Custody," he pointed down at a certain paragraph on the page, "a godchild is allowed to argue for custody of a fairy that is not theirs _and_ legally win them, all in a session of court."

"Wait a minute," Cosmo spoke up, glancing around the room anxiously, swooping down beside Timmy, "this courtroom looks...familiar. _Too_ familiar."

"Why are there _cameras_ everywhere?" Wanda shrieked, waving angrily at the video cameramen that had come to surround her. Even as she did so, none of them budged. "This is a _courtroom_!"

"Not just _any _courtroom!" a voice exclaimed from the entrance doors of the room behind the gallery. Everyone turned to look at the man who had spoken—a tall male fairy wearing a stereotypical white judge wig and black coat, wielding a gavel in his hand. "It's _my _courtroom."

"Judge Rudy?" Timmy recognized the daytime court show judge immediately with a bit of shock. "You're a _fairy_?"

"Yep," he replied simply with a shrug. He clapped his hands snappishly. "We're on in three minutes—_places_, people!"

"Don't we get lawyers?" Timmy blinked. "Defenses? A right for _privacy_?"

"Not on daytime court, you don't," Remy stated. "You're your own defense. And privacy is a thing of the past. Anyone can enter a courtroom whenever they please."

"That's not true!" Timmy growled. "You can't just enter a courtroom randomly!"

Out of nowhere, a male fairy dressed in a blue pinstripe shirt and matching cap _poof!_ed into the room, holding a pizza box in one hand and a piece of paper in the other.

"Pizza delivery for Cosmo?" the fairy asked, squinting down at the piece of paper.

Cosmo scoffed. "Well it's about _time_ you got here!" the green-haired fairy snatched the pizza box from the pizza delivery fairy's hands.

Slightly startled, the pizza delivery fairy quickly glanced back down at his sheet of paper. "That'll be $24.67."

"What?" Cosmo exclaimed in shock. "You can't charge me for a pizza you took _seventy-bajillion years_ to deliver!"

Wanda glanced from Cosmo to Timmy, who was now sitting in his chair facepalming, and with a sigh floated over to the plaintiff side of the courtroom to speak to the Latino fairy, who was currently primping himself in a handheld mirror for his televised appearance.

"Juandissimo, this is a little strange," she said with a frown.

Juandissimo blinked, _poof!_ing away the mirror and turning to smile brightly at the pink-haired fairy. "Wanda, my love, it is an honor to see you and be seen _with_ you in front of your Honor," he stated with a grin.

Wanda stared at him for a moment to process what he just said, before speaking again. "...in any case, don't you think this is a bit superfluous?"

"Oh, but mi amor, this was not my idea," Juandissimo replied honestly, "it was Remy who made the decision to come to court. He is the one that planned all of this."

Wanda blinked, looking over at Remy. The seated blond-haired boy wasn't listening or paying attention to the two fairies, only sitting with his arms crossed smugly, intently waiting for the show to begin.

"I barely even know your godson, _and_ he tried to kill me once. You're expecting me to believe this was his idea?" she asked in an unconvinced tone, turning back to look at Juandissimo.

"I'm not expecting you to believe anything," Juandissimo replied, then smiled provocatively and leaned toward her. "...except the fact that soon enough, you and I will be _living together_."

Wanda responded with a horrified facial expression. Suddenly, a loud, jaunty tune began blasting through the entire courtroom, causing her and many others to look up in alarm.

"_It's Judge Rudy, Judge Rudy, he's the judge!_" came the lyrics of the theme song. "_It's Judge Rudy, Judge Rudy, he's the JUDGE!_"

Then the music promptly ended.

"Some creative lyrics," Timmy rolled his eyes.

"No sass from the defendant!" Judge Rudy exclaimed, suddenly appearing behind the bench. He pounded his gavel. "Welcome everyone to another episode of _Judge Rudy_! On this episode, we're addressing the topic of _godparental custody_!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Timmy's Mom and Dad sat on the couch in their living room, watching _Judge Rudy_ on television.

"Goodness, that buck-toothed boy in the defendant's seat looks an awful lot like Timmy," Timmy's Mom stated in surprise.

"And the purple one next to him looks like a floating basketball!" Timmy's Dad added with the same amount of surprise in his voice.

* * *

"Remy Buxaplenty, why do you argue that Wanda should be your fairy godmother?" Judge Rudy asked.

"I believe that she should be _my _fairy godmother because I am rich," Remy stated proudly. He pulled a briefcase out from underneath the table, placed it on top and unlocked it. It popped open, overloaded with dollar bills.

"What kind of argument is _that_?" Timmy snapped. "You think you can have Wanda because you have more money? It's not like we're cheap or something!"

"THIRTY MINUTES OR IT'S _FREE_!" Cosmo hollered at the pizza fairy. "You should be paying _me_ for how long it took you to get me this pizza!"

"It was raining out," the pizza fairy defended.

"That's not an excuse! What about that whole 'neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet will stop you from delivering a pizza' thing that you guys have?"

"That's mailmen, not pizza delivery!"

"What I'm getting at is," Remy continued, standing up from his seat and sauntering over to Judge Rudy's bench, "If you give me custody of Timmy's fairy, I'll give _you_ a little something in return." He stood on his tiptoes and waved a wad of cash in the judge's face with a smirk.

Judge Rudy looked down at the large hunk of money with wide eyes. He gave Remy a sideways glance. "You do realize that bribing a judge is _illegal_, don't you?"

"I don't know," said Remy slyly, "Do _you_?"

Judge Rudy blinked, and without much hesitation, took the money from Remy with a smile. He shook the boy's hand. "You got yourself a fairy, son!"

"What?" Timmy shouted. "He _can't do that_!"

"_Turner is right_!" Jorgen, who was still standing on the side of the courtroom, concurred. "You can't just buy the judge off, Remy. We've got a whole 24 more minutes left in this television program to fill!"

"My apologies, Jorgen," Remy replied, pulling out another wad of cash from his pocket. He held the money out to him. "Would you like some too?"

Jorgen frowned. Then he grinned and took the money from Remy. "_Wanda's yours_!"

"_No_!" Wanda cried.

"Too late," Remy smirked at Timmy, "say goodbye to your fairy godmother, Turner."

"Say goodbye to your _job_, bub!" Cosmo also shouted, pointing a finger at the now quite scared pizza fairy.

Judge Rudy began to lower his gavel down in what seemed like slow motion. Timmy looked frantically around the room, to the horrified Wanda, the frightened Poof, the gleeful Remy and Juandissimo, the pleased Jorgen and Judge Rudy, the fearful pizza fairy and the angry Cosmo pointing a finger at him, and pounded his fist on the table.

"_WAIT_!" Timmy shouted. "Wanda _can't_ be your fairy godmother, Remy!"

Judge Rudy hesitated, and Remy glared at him before turning back to look at Timmy. "And why not?" Remy raised an eyebrow.

"Because!" Timmy pleaded earnestly, "Wanda _needs_ to be here to take care of me, Cosmo, and Poof! If she wasn't we'd probably destroy everything! We can't be trusted alone! If anyone should know that, it's _you,_ Jorgen! Don't you think it would be a bad idea to leave us all alone without Wanda?"

Jorgen frowned at Timmy, regarded the money in his hand, and sighed. "Well...there is a test that a fairy has to take before they become a godparent to make sure that they are responsible enough to care for a godchild _and_ have the capacity to grant wishes correctly by themselves. Last time Cosmo and Wanda took that test, Cosmo completely failed," Jorgen gestured to the green-haired fairy, "and the only reason he was allowed to be a fairy godparent was because of Wanda. So...that's true."

"Hah! I told you!" Timmy exclaimed proudly. "We're incompetent! _In your FACE_!"

Remy rolled his eyes, unperturbed. "How often do fairy godparents take this competency test?" he asked Jorgen.

"Well, they only have to pass it once to become fairy godparents," Jorgen explained.

"So how long has it been since they've taken it?" Remy asked.

Jorgen gave him a dubious look and shrugged. He looked over at Wanda. "How long ago did you two become fairy godparents?"

"It was..." Wanda thought to herself for a moment. "...9,723 years ago," she said finally.

"9,723 years ago," Remy repeated, "that was quite a while ago. Have not the fairy godparent testing standards changed over 9,723 years?"

"Well, yes," Jorgen said, "the fairy godparent test has changed somewhat over the years, but not by much. I mean, 9,723 years isn't that long."

"Sure, not _that_ long," Remy acquiesced, "but if Cosmo here did not pass the first time and the test differs now, why doesn't he take it a second time?"

Jorgen frowned. "Well, I guess that's a good question. Sure, I'll give him the fairy godparent test. But just in case this turns out exactly like the first time Cosmo took the test 9,723 years ago..."

Jorgen pounded his wand on the floor and _poof!_ed everyone in the room (except for Cosmo) into full body hazardous waste suits and gas masks.

"Let me give you a slice of _my_ _mind_, mister pizza guy!" Cosmo snapped, seemingly completely unaware of everyone in the room's new garb. He opened the pizza box and pointed at the pizza. "I ordered regular bacon, not any of this _Canadian _nonsense!"

"Cosmo!" Jorgen asserted, his voice becoming static through his gas mask. "I will test you on a matter of five questions. You must get _three_ of them correct to pass!"

"Not _now_, Jorgen!" Cosmo shouted back obliviously, "I'm yelling at this pizza guy!"

"Too bad!" Jorgen replied sternly. "First question! A godchild wishes for something completely dangerous, unsafe, and likely to have very adverse and unfortunate consequences. What do you do?"

"You grant it!" Cosmo replied to Jorgen distractedly, jabbing a finger against the pizza fairy's gas mask. "And don't get me _started _on the cheese stuck to the top of the lid!"

"Ha, that's _wrong_!" Timmy exclaimed. "You should _never _grant a dangerous wish for your godchild_. _Told you Cosmo couldn't be a fairy godparent on his own!"

"Actually, Cosmo's answer was correct," Jorgen said. "It doesn't matter how dangerous a wish is. As long as it's not against any of the rules, a fairy godparent _must _grant the wish."

"...oh." Timmy slunk back in his seat.

"So you see my dilemma sometimes?" Wanda remarked condescendingly.

"So, one question correct, only two more to go," Jorgen continued. "Second question. Actually, this one's more of a task. Everyone tighten your gas masks for this one. Alright...Cosmo, I need you to conjure up a ham sandwich with lettuce, onion, tomato, provolone cheese, and extra mayonnaise."

"What kind of task is _that_?" Wanda asked. "You never made us make a sandwich for you the first time we took the test."

"I wasn't hungry back then," Jorgen replied simply. "Cosmo, poof up the sandwich!"

"I told you I'm _busy_!" Cosmo shouted back, preoccupied, his hands around the terrified pizza fairy's neck.

"Well I'm _hungry_ and this is a test!" Jorgen demanded, "Make me the sandwich!"

"Don't make him the sandwich, Cosmo!" Timmy beseeched. "...or if you do, mess it up really badly!"

"I wish Turner was tied up to his chair and had tape over his mouth," Remy ordered casually.

Juandissimo apathetically raised his wand and _poof!_ed a rope around Timmy and duct tape wrapped around the boy's gas mask. Timmy made a loud, muffled noise of displeasure.

"Cosmo, you have five seconds before you miss this question," Jorgen stated. "Four, three, two..."

"Oh, if it will _shut you up_!" Cosmo released the pizza fairy and vehemently waved his wand, magicking a giant, submarine sandwich, complete with a large olive on a toothpick, into the middle of the courtroom. The sandwich fell to the floor and caused the entire building to quake.

Jorgen walked over the the sandwich and looked at it closely, putting a hand on his chin. "Hmm...provolone, lettuce, onions, ham, tomato, extra mayonnaise. On pumpernickel bread? That's a nice touch." the giant fairy removed his gas mask and leaned over to take a bite of the equally giant sandwich. "Alright, two questions down, one more to pass the test. Are you ready, Cosmo?"

"Am I ready for _what_?" Cosmo asked in annoyance, raising his head. He looked around the room in surprise. "Wait...why is everyone wearing gas masks?"

"The third question," Jorgen swallowed another bite of his sandwich, cleared his throat and took a deep breath. "If a godchild makes a wish and then a second consecutive wish and one of those wishes involves talking monkeys and a flying llama and counteracts the other wish when a tree falls in the forest and another fairy hears it while doing a handstand on the 5th of May, what is the name of the oldest talking monkey's brother's aunt's uncle?"

Jorgen panted for air. The room went silent as everyone stared at him.

"Oh no," Wanda spoke gravely, breaking the silence and hanging her head.

"_Mmmfhgg_!" Timmy managed to break one of his arms out of the ropes and ripped off his taped up gas mask, gasping for breath. "What's wrong, Wanda?"

"I remember this question from 9,723 years ago," Wanda said sadly, "...it was the only one Cosmo got right."

"His name would be Larry!" Cosmo scoffed, waving his hand dismissively at Jorgen. "_Duh_!"

"That's correct," Jorgen replied.

"What?" Timmy shouted in an outrage, thrashing in his tied-up chair. "That question didn't even make _sense_! How could that possibly determine if someone's fit to be a godparent?"

"Turner, you can't _argue_ with a test that's been being given for thousands of years," Remy retorted snootily, a small smile forming on his lips.

"I..." Timmy bit his lip, and just glared at him.

"Well, Cosmo, you passed the godparent test," Jorgen proclaimed. Jorgen pounded his wand on the ground, and everyone's hazardous waste suits and gas masks disappeared.

"Now as I was—" Cosmo was again holding the pizza fairy by his neck, when the words Jorgen had just said finally processed through his very, very thick skull. He released the pizza fairy with a start. "I...I passed what?"

"The godparent test," Jorgen repeated. "Cosmo is a competent godparent. Never thought I'd see the day, but he is legally certified to be a fairy godparent on his own and doesn't need Wanda to wrangle him. Congratulations."

"I..._what_?" Finally realizing what was going on around him, he backed away in fear. "I passed a _test_? But...b-but that can't be right!"

"So, considering Cosmo has now proven himself to be competent," Remy smile grew larger, "I suppose it's time for you to bestow Wanda upon _me_. Judge Rudy!"

Judge Rudy, who was snoring, woke up with a start. "Oh! What, uh! _Geez_, are we ready to end this case now? Man, we _better_. There's like three minutes left in this episode and I have a date."

"Yep, we're ready," Remy replied.

"_No_!" Timmy shouted in one last desperate plea.

"Ignore him," Remy instructed. "Just pound your gavel, your Honor, and all will be done here."

"Very well," Judge Rudy said with a yawn, lazily pounding his gavel on the bench. "Judgment for the plaintiff in the amount of your fairy godmother. _Case dismissed_! Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go pick up my dry-cleaning."

"Yay!" Juandissimo was the first to pipe up cheerfully.

"_NOOOOOOOO_!" Timmy threw his head back and screamed.

"Yeeeeeeeesss!" Remy counteracted cheerfully, lifting his arms in the air and cackling evilly.

"_NOOOOOOOO_!" Wanda screeched, fighting against the forceful feeling of herself being magically pulled over to the other side of the courtroom. She reached her arms out to her kin in vain.

"_WANDAAAAAAAA_!" Cosmo yelled back in horror, reaching for her hands.

"_MAMAAAAAAAAA_!" Poof sobbed, also reaching out for her.

But, before either of them could reach her, Wanda was quickly sucked back by the magical force over to Remy and Juandissimo. Remy waved patronizingly over at Timmy and his fairies with a smirk.

"See you on the other side, Turner," Remy spoke with suave condescendence, and with a wave of Juandissimo's wand, the three disappeared.

The gallery had disbanded. Judge Rudy and Jorgen had both _poof!_ed, Jorgen of course taking his sandwich with him. The cameramen had all left on their lunch break. The only people left in the room were Timmy, still tied to the chair with his mouth hanging open, Cosmo, who was still frozen with his arms reaching out, Poof, whose lip was quivering, likely to burst into tears at any second, and the pizza fairy.

The pizza fairy turned to look at the three petrified males beside him. He cleared his throat. "...sorry for your loss," he spoke awkwardly, "...but, um. If it helps, I guess I can give you this pizza for free."

Timmy, Cosmo, and Poof all turned to look at him with the same dumbfounded look.


	4. Cage Sweet Cage

_A/N: Thank you all for the lovely reviews, and for pointing out my errors. XD Behold my uncanny inability to count to 5. I'm pretty sure I've fixed all of the spelling/mathematical errors in the last chapter, but if you see any other junk, please tell me! As well as with this chapter...and the future chapters. Oh, and you guys see A Fairly Odd Christmas? I was not a big fan of the first live-action movie so I decided not to watch this one (although super-adorable CGI Cosmo/Wanda/Poof did strongly tempt me...) Good/bad? Worse/better than the first? Apologies for the sidetracking author's note, but I'd like to know! Now, onto the chapter~_

* * *

Nighttime had finally come upon Dimmsdale. It was still raining, of course; somehow it seemed that storm clouds had gathered and lightning was striking quite a bit more frequently around the dimly-lit Buxaplenty Mansion.

"This is my dresser, where I keep my clothes," Remy asserted the obvious to Wanda, gesturing to the large, shiny white dresser in the corner of the bedroom. That was a theme Wanda quickly found to be as trending in the mansion: shiny, white furniture and/or objects.

"He does not like it when you touch his sock drawer," Juandissimo whispered in Wanda's ear, as though this was a very important piece of information she should know.

"This is my bed," Remy pointed to the nicely sized, blue-sheeted bed with—predictably—a shiny, white headboard and footboard. "It's where I sleep."

"He sleeps with a teddy bear stuffed with hundred-dollar bills named Franklin," Juandissimo whispered again to the pink-haired fairy, "but do not tell him I told you about that."

"And finally, _that_—" Remy held out his arm and pointed across the way to the other side of his bed at a small cage on a pedestal, "—is where _you_ live."

"A ferret cage," Wanda acknowledged with a frown, "...how nice."

"Worry not, my love," Juandissimo took both of Wanda's hands reverently, "I will treat you to the finest accommodations in _our_ cage," he spoke with pleasure, leaning in closer to her, "as I will only allow the best for you, _mi bonita_."

Wanda leaned away from him, mildly repulsed. Remy looked up at the two expectantly.

"Might I leave you two to your chambers?" Remy supposed.

"I think that would be nice," Juandissimo smiled at Wanda airily. Wanda quickly pulled her hands out of his, giving him an unsettled look. He didn't seem to notice this and raised his wand in the air. "Shall we go, mi amor?"

"I guess," Wanda replied in an unimpressed tone, folding her arms.

Juandissimo waved his wand and _poof!_ed himself and Wanda into what appeared to be the living room of a house. Wanda was immediately nonplussed by the decorations of the not-so-usual bachelor pad: the entire room was basically a shrine, framed portraits of her covering the walls, sitting on all of the side tables, and on top the fireplace, among dozens of lit candles with rose petals scattered amongst them and the large purple love seat that sat in the middle of the room.

"You like, my love?" Juandissimo asked, taking her hands again, obviously oblivious to what her facial expressions entailed.

"It's...it's an elaborate shrine," Wanda managed awkwardly, again pulling her hands out of Juandissimo's. "I'm...um, I'm extremely creeped out. But flattered, I suppose."

"Oh, I am _so_ _happy_!" Juandissimo replied cheerfully, as though that was the best compliment Wanda could have ever given him. "Anything to please you, my Wanda. Is there anything I could get for you right now, my beautiful angel? Are you hungry? Thirsty?"

Wanda edged away from the male fairy's proximity, which was slowly becoming a bit too close. "Well, to be honest, yes, if you could get me a glass of water, that would be nice."

"Of course!" Juandissimo waved his wand and quickly _poof!_ed them into his kitchen.

The kitchen, while still adorned with photos of Wanda, was significantly less heavy with them than the living room, putting Wanda at a slighter ease. She took a seat at one of the barstools.

"Pure, filtered, and refreshingly cool," the Latino fairy smiled provocatively, holding the glass of water out to Wanda, "just like _me_!"

Wanda took the glass from him. "Thank you," she said halfheartedly.

Juandissimo took a seat beside her, and the two fairies sat in silence for a short while as Wanda drank her glass of water.

Juandissimo turned to look at her. "So, do you wanna make out now?"

Wanda coughed, almost choking on her water. "_What_?"

"What?" Juandissimo reiterated. "I just figured. Since you're here now and everything."

"No!" Wanda exclaimed, giving him a look of incredulity. "I'm not going to make out with you!"

"Oh." Juandissimo frowned. He let a few more seconds pass. "...How about now?"

"_No_!" Wanda repeated, growing annoyed. "Stop asking me!"

Juandissimo considered doing this for a moment.

"How about if I take off my shirt?" he then suggested promptly, and proceeded to easily rip off his white shirt to reveal his bare muscles. "Now will you?" the shirtless fairy asked, flexing his bulging biceps.

"_Juandissimo_!" Wanda got out of her seat and flew away from him, disgusted. "I don't want to make out with you!"

"Really?" Juandissimo asked, his voice sounding genuinely surprised.

"Really!" Wanda folded her arms reproachfully, "Now put a shirt on!"

Blinking, Juandissimo _poof!_ed another white shirt on and tapped his chin thoughtfully. "You know, when you think about this setup..." he floated up over to Wanda, much to her displeasure, "...I am Remy's godfather, and now you're Remy's godmother. So that makes _us_..."

"It doesn't make us anything," Wanda stated flatly. "A child can have two godparents that have no relation to each other. And even though I'm not Timmy's godmother anymore, I'm still married to Cosmo."

"Right," Juandissimo acknowledged reluctantly, dropping his arms to his sides. "I know."

"And if you thought this whole _winning me in court_ schtick was gonna make me suddenly fall head over wings for you, you were sorely mistaken," Wanda spat at him. "In fact, I think I'm more angry at you than I've ever been!"

Juandissimo relented, looking offended. "Well, like I tried to explain to you, my flower, none of this was my idea, it was Remy's. As his stunning godfather, I am legally bound to go along with whatever he says. Not that I have much of a problem with it most of the time..."

Wanda narrowed her eyes at him, still unconvinced. "Why, then? Why would _Remy_ come up with a plan like this? Is this supposed to be some sort of plot against Timmy?" She balled her fists and raised them. "Let me tell you, mister, I may not be Timmy's godmother anymore, but if _anyone_ is planning to do anything to him they're gonna have to deal with _me_ first!"

Juandissimo shied back away from the female fairy, whom he could now plainly see was very angry. "To be very honest I have no idea, my darling. You could ask him, but I am not quite sure if he'd tell you. He's kind of a secretive little boy...but you may find he's actually quite lovable," he grinned hopefully.

"I doubt that," Wanda said through gritted teeth, lowering her fists.

"Would you like me to show you around the rest of my home?" Juandissimo inquired eagerly, still grinning like a moron.

Although disinclined, Wanda huffed. "Well...I suppose if I'm _really_ going to have to stay here, you may as well."

Juandissimo happily led her through the rest of his home. Alike to Remy's trending theme of shiny, white objects, Juandissimo's home was filled mostly with portraits of her and mirrors. Lots, and lots of mirrors.

"Gee, Juandissimo, I wonder who your two favorite people in the world are," Wanda finally spoke sarcastically with a deadpan facial expression.

"Why, you and me, of course, my love!" Juandissimo responded, seemingly unaware of her sarcasm and unmoving deadpan. "And now we are here, together in such a perfect home that was _made_ for us, to care for our godson and live very happily—and _gorgeously_—like we were always meant to do," he remarked to her dreamily, putting an arm around her shoulders.

Wanda's facial expression did not falter. She raised her wand and _poof!_ed up two suitcases she clutched in either hand. "Where is my bedroom?" she asked flatly.

Juandissimo released his arm from her slightly. "Down the hall on the left," he indicated, and then smiled again, pressing his face against hers. "...right across the hall from _mine_."

"Right," Wanda stated, forcefully pulling herself away from Juandissimo and heading down the hallway. "I'm going to bed."

"But, mi amor," Juandissimo looked at his wristwatch, "it is only 6 o'clo—"

Wanda slammed the door shut behind her. Juandissimo floated solely in the corridor, blinking. He shrugged to himself, and flew over to his home's entrance.

He crawled out of the plastic dome that sat in the ferret cage, now transformed into a purple ferret. Remy, who was sitting on his bed watching his giant, shiny white flatscreen television, turned to look at Juandissimo expectantly.

"So how'd it go?" Remy asked while flipping through channels, voice not really indicating much of a concern.

"She went to bed," the purple ferret replied.

"It's only 6PM," Remy pointed out.

"That is what I said," Juandissimo frowned. "And when I asked her to make out with me, she said no."

Remy looked at Juandissimo with narrowed eyes. "Pardon me, I'm not very experienced in romantic affairs, but I don't believe you're supposed to straight up ask a woman if she wants to _make out with you_."

"What do you mean you're not?" Juandissimo gave him an look of utter shock. "_Pero_ it has always worked for me before!"

Remy rolled his eyes, focusing back on the television. "Act however you want, Juandissimo. As long as you don't ruin everything."

Juandissimo pursed his lips in curious consideration of the boy's words. Why was it that he never knew exactly what his godson was planning?

"Well..._I_ won't," Juandissimo answered finally.

Remy flipped the television channel. "Good."

* * *

Cosmo pulled the stringy cheese of the pizza slice away from his face in disgust. "This is the worst pizza _ever_!" he sobbed, throwing the slice back into the pizza box.

Timmy paced around his room in circles, a determined look on his face as he contemplated what to do. Cosmo and Poof both float-sat on Timmy's bed, crying senselessly over the box of half-eaten pizza.

"I can't believe this!" Cosmo blubbered, "This pizza stole my wife! _And they didn't even get the toppings right_!"

"The pizza didn't steal Wanda, Cosmo," Timmy shook his head as he continued to pace, "_Remy_ did. How could he even get away with this?" he asked incredulously, "It doesn't even make any sense!"

"_Mamaaaaaa!_" Poof sobbed, practically inhaling three slices of the pizza in a row and swallowing them in one gulp.

"Stupid Canadians and their bacon!" Cosmo shouted angrily, waving at the pizza. "Why do Canadians get their own kind of bacon, anyway? _What makes them so SPECIAL_!"

"There has to be something we can do!" Timmy announced defiantly, stomping his foot down in his tracks.

"I'm gonna make my own bacon," the green-haired fairy mumbled crossly, "And I'm gonna name it Cosmo bacon, and it's gonna be _the best darn bacon there ever was_, and there's nothing those _Canadians_ can do about it!"

"Cosmo!" Timmy snapped. "_Forget_ about the stupid pizza! We have to think about Wanda!"

"Well _what are we gonna do_?" Cosmo whined.

"Well, we've gotta make sure she's not in any danger. I mean," Timmy pursed his lips thoughtfully, "why would Remy have wanted her other than for some super-ultra crazy evil plot he's scheming?"

"A super-ultra crazy evil plot?" Cosmo repeated, frowning, "how're we s'posed to stop someone with a super-ultra crazy evil plot?"

"I don't know! That's what I'm trying to think of," Timmy grabbed his head in frustration. "Argh! I can't believe how much has gone down in the past few hours! I can't even think straight!"

"I can never think straight," Cosmo remarked. "Ooh, you know what would be a good way to clear your mind? _Mindless video games_!"

Timmy dropped his hands from his head and stared at Cosmo in bewilderment. "We can't play _video games_ right now, Cosmo!"

"Sure we can," Cosmo said, holding up a few controllers, "the controllers are right here."

"That's not what I meant!" Timmy shouted exasperatedly, "We have to make sure Wanda's alright!"

"Should we call her?" suggested Cosmo.

"We can't just—" Timmy blinked, realizing what the green-haired fairy had just prompted. "...oh, yeah. I guess we could just do that. Call her, Cosmo!"

Cosmo lifted his wand into the air as it transformed into a cell phone. He brought it back down and pressed a button to call Wanda. The trio huddled around the phone as it rang a couple of times.

"Hello?" the pink-haired fairy's voice sounded on the other end.

"_WANDA_!" Timmy and Cosmo both hollered as Poof also shouted, "_MAMA_!"

Wanda scoffed. "You don't have to yell, I can hear you just fine."

"Are you alright, Wanda?" Timmy asked, quieting his voice but keeping the same level of urgency.

"_ARE YOU DEAD_?" Cosmo screamed into the receiver.

"I'm fine," Wanda informed them calmly, "Are you guys alright?"

"No, we're worried about you!" Timmy replied anxiously.

"_ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE ALIVE_?" Cosmo asked.

"Are you sure you're fine?"

"I'm sure," Wanda replied matter-of-factly, "At least...I am right now. I'm not really sure what's going on or what anyone is planning around here."

"Anything you can tell us?" Timmy asked, "Any _ultra-super crazy e__vil things_ that you've noticed leading to an ultra-super crazy evil plot?"

"To be honest, no," Wanda said, "but I don't think you guys should be as worried about me as about yourself, Timmy. Something tells me this whole thing isn't about me as much as it is about you."

"Alright," Timmy noted, "I think you're probably right, Wanda. Remy's got a lot to hold against me and nothing I can think of to hold against you. So where are you?"

"Well, I'm at Remy's," Wanda stated resignedly, "...Juandissimo's cage, to be exact."

"_YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH JUANDISSIMO_?" Cosmo shouted, and then scrunched up his nose. "..._eeeeew_!"

"Well, ultra-super crazy evil plot or not," Timmy continued, "you can always count on your _real_ family to be keeping a lookout. Isn't that right, guys?"

"Of course!" Cosmo proclaimed.

"Poof-poof!" Poof resounded proudly.

"Oh, I love you guys," Wanda gushed, her voice thick with homesickness. "Gosh, I miss you so much already!"

"You have to keep in touch," Timmy pleaded. "Promise you'll call if any _funny business _goes down."

"I promise, Timmy," Wanda assured, "Take care of yourselves and be careful, Timmy!"

"I will," Timmy replied, "bye Wanda."

"Bye-bye Mama," Poof piped up after him.

"Bye Wanda—_oh wait wait wait_!" Cosmo exclaimed. "Since you're _living with Juandissimo_...find out if he wears boxers or briefs!" he snickered.

"_Bye Wanda_," Timmy repeated, rolling his eyes.

"Bye you guys! And remember to _be careful_!"

The phone transformed back into Cosmo's wand. Timmy looked at Cosmo skeptically.

"She didn't sound like she was in any danger," Timmy commented, with a hint of bemusement in his voice. "...I guess we don't really have to panic_._"

"So. What do we do now?" Cosmo asked.

Timmy tapped his chin. The boy glanced out his window at the now-evening sky. Still raining. He looked over at his television, having gained an inkling.

"Do you remember that video game that Wanda never let us play?" Timmy inquired nonchalantly, speaking out of his mouth sideways.

"Huh?" Cosmo frowned. "Which one?"

Timmy looked at Cosmo, and with an impish smile forming on his face, bent down and reached for something between his mattress and the bedsprings. He pulled out a video game case that was in mint condition.

"_Destructor of the Worlds Redux_," Timmy spoke. "_Now_..."

"..._With Extra Violence_!" he and Cosmo both shouted cheerfully.

"Rated M for Mothers Don't Like It," Timmy smirked, twirling the case in his hand. "Been saving it for a rainy day."

The weather outside corresponded with a loud roar of thunder.

"_Yes_!" Cosmo high-fived Timmy who along with he and Poof grabbed his controller eagerly. "I knew it! I always had faith in you, Timmy!"

Timmy chuckled, sliding the disc into his console. "Finally some time to rot our brains with disgusting, gruesome violence, filthy language and indecently exposed women!"

"_Fight the power_!" Cosmo agreed.

Timmy shuffled back onto his bed, taking his seat back beside Cosmo, "Don't get too excited, though, 'cuz me and Poof are going to whoop your butt!"

"Poof-poof!" Poof agreed with a mischievous giggle.

Timmy laughed and fist-bumped Poof as the game loaded on the television screen.

"That's '_Poof and I_,' " Cosmo corrected, "and _yeah right_! Get ready for me to whoop _your _guys's!"

"It's on!" Timmy exclaimed, but then suddenly got a confused look on his face. He turned to look at Cosmo. "Wait, Cosmo, did you just...correct my grammar?"

"Did I just do what?" the fairy blinked. "_Ooh_! I get to be the guy with the giant beard in the spiky leather jacket!" He shouted, pointing at the screen.

Timmy knitted his brows for a moment, before quickly shaking it off turning his attention from Cosmo back to the game. "...I get to be the guy with the mutant flaming skull tattoo!" he countered excitedly.

* * *

_Disclaimer: I have absolutely nothing against Canadians. (Their bacon, on the other hand...)_


	5. It's Been 1 Week Since You Looked at Me

_A/N: Hey! Did you guys know it's actually illegal to keep a ferret as a pet in the state of California? XD I actually inadvertently discovered this fact a few days ago. Weird! Maybe that's why Remy's been missing from the show for so long...? LOL  
__Once again, thank you to my readers/reviewers~ here's another chapter!_

_Oh, and any Barenaked Ladies fans out there? Anyone? ~How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're maaad~!  
__...If you didn't see the reference, never mind. /clears throat and leaves quickly/_

* * *

"_This is Chet Ubetcha reporting from downtown Dimmsdale, where this week-long rainstorm is not letting up one bit!_" the self-identified news reporter on the television screen was dressed in a yellow raincoat, holding the coat's hood down on his head with one hand and holding his microphone in the other. "_Entire streets, homes, and buildings are being flooded out by this continuous torrential downpour that has only been increasing in intensity!_"

A sudden giant wave of water surged behind Chet Ubetcha, carrying a few cars, a couple houses, several screaming people, a few animals, trees...and the laundry monster, with Mr. Crocker flailing helplessly inside its mouth.

Chet Ubetcha looked behind him at the passing wave and winced. He looked back at the camera. "_With the entire town in liquid peril, who KNOWS when this storm will end_?" he shouted melodramatically.

A dirty pair of underwear (presumably from the laundry monster's innards) flew and smacked right into the camera screen, causing the broadcast to go static.

Remy flipped off his shiny, white television, folding his arms. He turned to regard the two ferrets in the cage beside his bed in a disgruntled manner.

The purple ferret returned the boy's gaze expectantly, while the pink ferret beside him frowned at both of them. As a week had passed since she was assigned her new godson and living quarters, Wanda had now grown more apt to living as a ferret. In fact, it was in a few ways more sufferable than being a goldfish—at least as a ferret, she no longer had to swim in her (and anyone else's) own toilet. Still, it still didn't make up for having to live with her egotistical and overbearing ex-boyfriend and her new godson—which of whom she didn't like in the first place and had grown to form a more precise opinion of over the past seven days.

Remy sneered, his disgruntled expression turning to pure annoyance. "Why are you two just _sitting _there, can't you see that I'm bored? _Entertain_ me, for goodness sake!"

The gentlest opinion Wanda could form of him? He was a complete and utter _brat_.

Juandissimo quickly _poof!_ed himself into a fairy and asserted himself, Wanda begrudgingly following suit moments later to float beside him.

"Apologies, _chico_," Juandissimo stated, "What is it that you would like?"

"I don't know!" Remy barked at him. "_You're_ the fairies. I wish you two would come up with something!"

Juandissimo and Wanda blinked as their thoughts magically synchronized. The duo _poof!_ed into proper salsa dancing attire as a Latino tune started playing in the background.

Remy rolled his eyes. "Why is salsa dancing always your automatic response?"

"Because, dancing is my _passion_!" Juandissimo emphasized, placing a hand on his heart and pulling Wanda toward him with his left arm. He _poof!_ed a rose in his mouth and waggled his eyebrows at Wanda.

It was natural for fairies who granted wishes together to automatically synchronize their thoughts—obviously, they _had_ to in order to grant the same thing. But Wanda wondered why her mind always had to be synchronized with Juandissimo's whenever Remy made a wish, as opposed to his with hers.

"I thought your passion was singing," Remy remarked lamely. "...and making beef jerky sculptures."

"Those things too," Juandissimo grinned, spinning the rose in his fingers as he also spun Wanda in the air.

Wanda frowned. Even though she'd adapted to being a ferret, she still hadn't very much adapted to granting wishes with someone who was neither an idiot nor a baby.

Not entertained at all, the blond boy shook his head in frustration. "For the last time, I don't care to watch you dance! Stop the music," he ordered.

The Latino music stopped abruptly with a record scratch. Juandissimo waved his wand and _poof!_ed himself and Wanda back into normal attire, albeit glumly.

Remy rolled his eyes, huffing. "Useless. You two can be utterly _useless_."

Wanda barred her teeth, knowing that there were a few things in this household she was _never_ going to adapt to—Remy's constant jibes being one of them.

"Well if we're so _useless_, then why don't you just wish us away?" the pink-haired fairy asked irritably. Timmy would've never referred to her as useless...

Remy didn't look at her, he simply stuck his nose in the air snootily and crossed his arms. "It's not my fault you can't do your job," he stated.

"It's not our fault you keep making vague, uninspired wishes!" Although Wanda reluctantly admitted it, she really had begun to miss the not-thought-out, chaotic wishes that Timmy used to make. They were certainly more interesting than the '_I wish you'd change the television channel for me_'-esque wishes that Remy was a fan of.

"It's not my fault you keep granting them badly," Remy snarled.

"It's not our fault—" Wanda hesitated. It wasn't _her_ fault that she couldn't control what Juandissimo wanted to grant. "...it's not _my _fault they're being granted the way they are!"

"What do you mean it's not_ your_ fault?" Remy asked indignantly.

Wanda looked at Juandissimo, and Juandissimo stared blankly at her like he also wanted to know why it wasn't _her _fault. Wanda slapped her forehead. Even if she wasn't with Timmy, Cosmo, and Poof, she was still the one who somehow got blamed for everything.

"Forget it. Is there anything else you'd like us to fail at granting you, _Master_?" she asked sardonically.

Remy sighed in annoyance. "_No_, I suppose not right now. But I do need you to do my laundry," he gestured to the laundry basket on the other side of his bed, heaping with white tuxedo shirts and red bowties.

Wanda blinked. "...your _laundry_? Why? Don't you have about a dozen personal maids you could call to do it?"

"Do not argue about his laundry, Wanda," Juandissimo shook his head.

Remy lifted the laundry basket off the floor and pushed it into Wanda's arms. "I expect you to be able to separate the lights from the darks without any problem. But don't put the socks away—leave them in the hamper," he instructed sharply.

Wanda gaped at him slightly, before making a noise of irritation and _poof!_ing out of the room.

The female fairy quickly appeared in Juandissimo's corridor, holding Remy's laundry basket, contemplating whether she should actually wash the clothes or set them on fire.

A _poof!_ accompanied by a vihuela chord sounded behind her, signaling the arrival of Juandissimo. The violet-eyed fairy swooped beside the fuming pink-eyed one, bowing his head.

"Mi amor," he began, rubbing the back of his head, "I would like to offer my deepest, sincerest apologies to you on account of Remy's behavior. His _conducta _has been worse than usual this past week—and it is _mala_. _Muy mala_. And just so you know, I do not support it. At all."

Wanda tossed the basket on the floor and groaned. "How in the world have you put up with this kid for so long, Juandissimo, when he just orders you around, disrespects you constantly, and doesn't even treat you like a _person_? How can you live like this? You can quit, you know!"

Juandissimo shrugged, picking the laundry basket up off the floor. "Alas, Remy is my godson, and although he may at times be truly sinister at heart, I love him," he stated, beginning to sift through the clothing, "and love will make you do strange things. I could never abandon Remy...I could never think of quitting."

"But why?" Wanda frowned. "Why, Juandissimo? You—you deserve _better_ than to be tossed around like a rag doll by a snot-nosed brat!"

"You may think of him as a brat, but to me, he is just troubled," Juandissimo averred. "It is just that he has quite a bit of difficulty making friends and becoming close to people...you know, _ever_."

"One can only speculate why," Wanda muttered as she watched Juandissimo skeptically. "What are you even doing?"

Juandissimo rose his gaze from the floating piles of separated clothing to Wanda, blinking. "The...laundry? I did not think that _you_ wanted to do it. I usually do Remy's laundry, anyway..."

A lot of things were confusing Wanda right now. Not just her lack of control over granting wishes and Juandissimo's perseverance, but also _why_ Remy never had his actual maids do laundry, and why Juandissimo bothered actually separating lights from darks and doing laundry when he could easily _poof!_ all of the clothing clean?

"Oh," Wanda blinked, finding it probably best not to argue. "Well, thank you. That's nice of you. Come to think of it, Juandissimo, it's quite remarkable how spotless you keep this place. I haven't had to clean anything all week and it's...kind of refreshing, actually," she looked at the floor and taped her chin thoughtfully, "...although it does make me quite concerned about the hygiene of Timmy, Cosmo, and Poof this last week."

At this statement, Wanda _poof!_ed up the family photo of her, Timmy, Cosmo, Poof, and the cow, holding it in both hands as she looked down at it in sadness. She missed her family dearly, but what was she supposed to do? She lived here now...

The first couple of nights after being reassigned to Remy she'd been worried sick about what might become of them, especially Poof—but after a few days, she stopped worrying and just became...well, confused.

From what she could tell, nothing had exploded or gone catastrophically wrong in the past seven days—and that was usually something that Timmy and Cosmo accomplished pretty fast without her to supervise them. But...zip, zilch, nada, nothing. No calamities. No nuclear wars. No mind-controlling cockroaches. Absolutely nothing.

She had mulled it over and thought about the fact that Cosmo had proven himself to be a competent godparent, which didn't make any sense either. She'd lived with him for almost ten thousand years and knew she had better judgment than a hungry Jorgen.

But a week without utter destruction? Maybe she didn't. And that just made her feel even more confused.

"Wanda," Juandissimo spoke, returning after putting the clothes in the washing machine.

Wanda quickly snapped back to reality, tucking the photo away. "Hm?"

"Just wondering if you were hungry," he inquired casually. "I was thinking of getting some Chinese food. Don't tell Remy, though. Since he is only allowed to eat food that has been prepared by _el brillante mí_, it might make him...slightly agitated," he laughed nervously.

Even if she disliked everything about Remy, that was one thing Wanda couldn't help pitying the boy for.

"Sure, get me a..." Wanda paused. "...get me something deep-fat fried, will you?"

"On it, _cariño_," Juandissimo made a clicking sound with his tongue and winked at her. "I will return in a few."

Wanda smiled at him as he disappeared. After he was gone, she thought for a moment. There was something about Juandissimo that she hadn't noticed for a long time. Something reminiscent of...charm?

Wanda realized she was now more confused than she had ever been.

* * *

Timmy carved a seventh tally mark into his bedstead and squinted his eyes at it, deep in thought.

Cosmo tossed an empty bag of cheese puffs over his shoulder. "Timmy, why do you keep making all those lines on your bedpost?"

"I'm tallying the days since the beginning of Remy's ultra-super crazy evil plot," Timmy answered efficiently.

"Oh," Cosmo replied. He _poof!_ed up another bag of cheese puffs and pointed to a crude doodle on Timmy's other bedpost. "I drew a unicorn on this one!"

"It's been a week since he took Wanda, and I still can't figure out what he's up to," Timmy stated in frustration. "Any luck figuring something out, Poof?"

"Poof," Poof stated negatively, also eating from his own bag of cheese puffs.

"See, look, the unicorn has a mustache!" Cosmo narrowed his eyes as he munched on his cheese puffs. "That's how you know it's an evil unicorn. Only evil unicorns have mustaches. Unless of course the unicorn also has a beard," Cosmo proceeded to carve a scribbly beard on the drawing with his wand. "Yay! Now he's a good unicorn again!"

"I can't believe it's still raining," Timmy mused. "Maybe the fact Remy hasn't advanced his plot at all this week is because of the weather...or...something? Man, I don't know. _Cosmo_! What are you doing to my tallies?"

"They're ugly," Cosmo whined, carving over them. "I'm drawing a butterfly!"

Timmy rolled his eyes, "Earth to Cosmoron, do you even remember what happened this past week? Your wife got kidnapped by a pompous rich kid and his hunky narcissistic godfather!"

"I remember _that_!" Cosmo defended, licking cheese from his fingers. "Look, the butterfly has swirly patterns on its wings. Swiiiirly..."

Timmy sighed and turned back to face the rainy window. "Why do I even try?"

"You know, Timmy, I think the real question here is if _she_ remembers _us_," Cosmo stated, spinning his wand against the wood.

"What?" Timmy gave Cosmo an odd look. "It's only been a week since she left, Cosmo. I'm pretty sure she still remembers us."

"Well, I don't know," Cosmo shrugged, "she hasn't talked to us or seen us in a week. If I didn't talk to something or see something in a week, I'd probably forget about it. Like the underwear I was wearing last week. I haven't seen that in a while. I don't remember where I put it. Or if I'm still wearing it...actually, I'm probably still wearing it."

Timmy raised one of his eyebrows, "...Maybe we should consider improving our personal hygiene."

Cosmo looked up from his doodle abruptly. He and Timmy exchanged a glance for a few seconds.

Then, they both promptly burst out laughing.

"Oh, man," Timmy wiped a tear from his eye, "Wanda wouldn't have laughed at that. She would've been like," Timmy cleared his throat, folded his arms and got an annoyed look on his face, and spoke in his uncanny Wanda impersonation: " '_Look at you two! This place is a mess!' _" Timmy picked an empty pop can up off his bed and threw on the floor, where pretty much all the other pop cans laid askew, amidst empty cheese puff bags and other junk. " '_Now I demand you pick that up right now, Timmy! I'm waaarning you! I've got ultra-nag powers and Stinky Magic skills and I'm not afraid to use them!_' "

"_Ahaha_, that's so _creepy_ how you can do that!" Cosmo remarked.

"Hah,_ I know right_!" laughed Timmy as well.

Without warning, Cosmo stopped laughing and his expression dropped.

"I miss her," he stated sadly.

"Me too," Timmy bowed his head.

"Poof-poof," Poof concurred, pressed his head against Timmy's shoulder.

Timmy raised his head and fluffed his baby godbrother's few hairs, a new thought coming to him. "_Ugh_, rain or shine—Remy bet get a move on with his super-ultra crazy evil plot soon so we can defeat him already. This is getting boring."

"But Timmy, did'ja ever consider that maybe," Cosmo tilted his head, "that _was_ all the plot was?"

Timmy turned his attention from Poof to Cosmo. "What?"

"I mean...I've been thinking and..." Cosmo began, "...what if taking Wanda wasn't part of a super-ultra crazy evil plot at all? What if taking Wanda was all the kid with the big nose wanted to do?"

"What do you mean that's all he wanted to do?"

"I mean, what if he, like, just wanted Wanda to be his fairy godmother and wasn't gonna do anything else to you."

Timmy regarded Cosmo confusedly. "Except...take my fairy godmother and make her his own? But that doesn't make much sense. If Remy wanted a fairy godmother, why'd he have to take _mine_? To spite me? And wait, wait, wait—" Timmy held up his hands, " did you say that you were _thinking_?"

Cosmo nodded. "I think..." he put his head in his hands and glanced upward, "in a way, taking Wanda _was_ meant to spite you and reaffirm his anger at you. But, as you know, the anger he has toward you is caused by his jealousy of the love and attention you receive from both sets of your parents. And even though he has Juandissimo, Juandissimo can only stand in as the father figure in his life and, while a father is an important aspect of a son's life, there isn't anything that can really stand in for a mother's compassionate love and care that he, as one can be led to assume, desperately craves. Considering that fact that Juandissimo is sorely obsessed with Wanda, and with the prior knowledge that she is _your _godmother_, _Remy probably figured that she would be the best suited to be _his_ godmother given the circumstances—Juandissimo would get along fine with the arrangement, and at the same time, it would annoy _you_ and rob you of _your_ stand-in warm and loving maternal figure."

Timmy stared at Cosmo for a long, long time. Cosmo stared back at him.

"..._dude_." Timmy blinked, his expression giving away his complete surprise. "Uhhhh...I guess...I guess that makes a lot of sense. Remy _was_ always jealous of me, and...I guess...Wanda _was_ the perfect thing for him to take. Huh." Timmy scratched his head. "Wow, Cosmo. I...never really expected you to come up with something that, um, insightful. Are you feeling alright?"

Cosmo groaned and grabbed his head. "It's so weird, Timmy!" he shrieked. "I feel fine, but at the same time, I don't. I _don't _feel fine. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on!"

"What do you mean?" Timmy asked dubiously, scooting back a little bit from the writhing fairy.

"This...this whole past week," Cosmo continued anxiously, "you realize you and I haven't done anything majorly destructive yet, like we usually do if Wanda's not here?"

Timmy thought over the past week for a moment. He then regarded Cosmo with surprise. "...huh, you're right, we haven't. Weird."

"That's not the only thing that's weird," Cosmo frowned. "Not only have I _not_ caused major destruction, but I've been saying all these..._things_...I've never said before, and, and I've been able to _think _actual_ thoughts, _and I haven't done anything extremely corrupt due to my own ignorance and, and everything I do is more or less like a normal person it's...it's like...ever since Wanda left I've...I've been...I'VE BEEN _LOSING_ MY STUPIDITY!"

Timmy and Poof both gasped in shock.

"_What_?" Timmy shouted.

"I know right!" Cosmo yelped hysterically. "I'm not even kidding, just...just wish for something, Timmy! _Anything_!"

"But I don't—"

"_JUST WISH FOR SOMETHING_!" Cosmo demanded.

Timmy's eyes widened, and he backed away a little farther. "Okay! Um. I don't know, I...I wish for a banana."

Cosmo thrusted his wand into the air and _poof!_ed a banana into Timmy's hands.

Timmy looked down at the banana skeptically before Cosmo flew over and seized it out of the boy's palm.

"_See_!" Cosmo held the banana up to Timmy's face dramatically, "Look! _Look at this banana_!"

"I'm looking at it," Timmy assured him.

"This is an adequately sized banana," Cosmo pointed at the fruit. "It's yellow, and, and it doesn't have any brown spots at all, it's..._it's a PERFECT BANANA_! _What is wrong with me_!"

"I don't know, man," Timmy shook his head, "I don't know what's wrong with you. Will you tell me _why_ you are freaking out over a banana?"

"Because it's a _perfect banana_!" Cosmo insisted. "Don't you know me, Timmy? I never get wishes right on my own, let alone get them absolutely _perfect_! I'm supposed to be too stupid to do that! That's why I have to be with Wanda, to even out my stupidity and incompetence. But she's not here anymore and I...I can grant wishes..._perfectly_!"

"Man, calm down!" Timmy urged. "Get a hold of yourself! Okay, you _can't_ be losing your stupidity. You've gotta still be stupid, dude, that's just who you are!"

"It _was_, Timmy, it _was _who I was!" Cosmo dropped the banana and grabbed Timmy's shirt collar. "But now I don't know who I am anymore! Last week...I passed the godparent test last week, Timmy, I don't know how I did that! In fact, I didn't even know I was _taking_ it and I still passed! I've never passed a test by myself before in my _entire life_! My_...entire...LIFE_!"

Cosmo slowly let go of Timmy's shirt, balling fists shakily, his lip beginning to quiver in disappointment. "What if...what if I really _am_ competent enough to handle the responsibilities of being a fairy godparent on my own? What if I really...d-don't...n-need...Wanda anymore?"

The whimpering green-haired fairy quickly put his head in his hands and began to sob.

"Oh, come on, Cosmo! Don't think like that, I mean, you can't be _that_...competent..." Timmy frowned, having trouble finding the least awkward way to go about comforting Cosmo in the situation. He looked down at the fairy, who was now a crying, rolled up ball on the floor.

"Okay, it's pretty obvious you still need Wanda, Cosmo," Timmy stated bluntly. "Look at you, for Pete's sake, you're rolling on the floor! And, okay, l need her too. We _both_ do. I mean, honestly. We haven't bathed in _days_!"

Cosmo stopped rolling around, stifling his sobs, and and looked at Timmy. "...I kind of liked the fact we didn't have to do that," he wiped his eyes.

"Poof needs her too, most of all," Timmy continued, glancing up at the purple-eyed baby, "don't you miss her, Poof?"

The downtrodden Poof nodded, _poof!_ing up a framed photograph of Wanda and clutching it close to his chest. "Mama," he whimpered.

"Like adding on what you said earlier, Cosmo," Timmy asserted, "He _needs_ a maternal figure in his life...okay, we all do. Cosmo, we're gonna get Wanda back."

"But how? How can we do that?" Cosmo sat up, wringing his wand. "We lost her in court! Courts are _important_!...They are on daytime television, at least!"

"Jorgen was the one who actually took her away from us," Timmy shrugged, "we just have to somehow prove to him that we need her back in order to live conclusively."

Cosmo sniffled and stopped crying again. "Don't you mean, '_coherently_'?"

"Whatever," Timmy shook his head, "Dang it, Cosmo. Maybe you _are_ getting smarter."

"_I know_!" Cosmo screeched, grabbing hold on Timmy's shirt and falling onto his knees, "_It's hooorribleeee_!"

"Alright, man, I've got an idea," Timmy said decisively, "Cosmo, you, Poof, and I...are going to destroy things."

"Figuratively?" Cosmo gasped. "You mean, as in..._our own dignities_?"

Timmy raised an eyebrow. "...no..._what_? No, I meant _physically_. You remember that one time Wanda took the day off and we almost caused a nuclear war and let an army of mind-controlling cockroaches take over the world?"

"Ah, yes," Cosmo slid off of Timmy's shirt and covered his face with his hands, his voice deep in sadness, "those were good old times...so long ago in the past..."

"That was a pretty destructive day, but you know what?" Timmy folded his arms. "I think we can do better. I think, if we can be even _more_ destructive—_the MOST_ destructive we've ever been, Jorgen will see that we really do need Wanda to monitor our every move! Just like old times."

Cosmo peered up at the boy in a feeble manner. "You really think so, Timmy? You really think we can do something _that_ insanely careless and destructive that we'd somehow be able to get Wanda back because of it?"

"I don't just think so," Timmy said with a shake of his head, a smirk forming on his face, "...I _know_ so."

Cosmo dropped his hands from his face and regarded Timmy more closely, furrowing his brow. "...so what are we gonna do?"

Timmy shrugged. "...we could start by blowing something up. Something big. Like a...like...I don't know. What's big?"

"Poof-poof," Poof _poof!_ed up a tiny toy semi-truck.

"A semi-truck," Timmy nodded, "Semi-trucks are big, that's true."

"Whales are big!" Cosmo declared. "We could blow up a _whale_!"

"That sounds messy," Timmy commented. "We could blow up a few buildings?"

"_Or_!" Cosmo exclaimed, grinning and gaining excitement, "we could blow up _the planet_!"

Timmy and Poof both blinked and stared at Cosmo.

"_That_ escalated quickly," Timmy remarked.

The grin dropped off Cosmo's face. "I mean, not like, _this _planet," he clarified seriously, "but like, some other planet. You know."

The pink-hatted boy regarded Cosmo skeptically, and, after a moment, bit his lip.

"...that's..." Timmy hesitated for a second. "...Cosmo...never in my life did I think I'd ever say this to you, but...that's _genius_."


	6. Here Comes the Boom

_A/N: Merry Apocalypse and Happy Holidays to everyone. :D I hope you all like this chapter._

* * *

Timmy slapped his hand against the chalkboard that stood in the middle of his bedroom. "Alright, guys, we've got a very important mission on our hands, and that is..."

The pink-hatted boy spun the chalkboard over, where the words '_OPERATION: SAVE WANDA'_ were scribbled.

"...to save Wanda from the wretched hands of the evil, stinky Remy Buxaplenty," he finished, underlining the words with the chalk he held in his hand. "I presume everyone is on board?"

"Yay!" Cosmo cheered. "Boards!"

"Poof-poof!" Poof also cheered.

"Now, Cosmo, you have provided us with our initial plan of mass destruction"—Timmy turned the chalkboard over to the clean side and wrote the words: '_The Plan: Blow Up The Planet_'—"to destroy an entire planet by means of utter ruination."

"Yay!" Cosmo clapped his hands. "Ruination!"

"The first step we must make is deciding which planet to blow up." Timmy tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Now, we're going to be blowing up a _planet_, not a _world_. Let's consider all of our options closely. There are a lot of planets in this solar system. Uh...yeah. There are...a lot of them. There's...um..."

"Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars," Cosmo began to name off, "Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus—"

Cosmo paused as he, Timmy, and Poof all snickered.

"—Neptune, Yugopotamia," the green-haired fairy continued, "Bodacia, the Planet of the Dads and the Planet of the Moms you wished up that one time, and I'm pretty sure that's it."

Timmy nodded. "Obviously we're not blowing up the Earth. So that gets rid of one option. Next, we can't blow up anything _too_ mainstream. We don't want to cause mass panic. We just wanna cause...you know, minimal panic. _Just _destructive enough to get Jorgen's attention."

"So Neptune and Saturn are out," Cosmo stated. "Umm, Mars is also out, because we could never put all those Martians out of a home. Venus is also out...I guess we could blow up...Yugopotamia?"

Timmy pursed his lips thoughtfully. "Hmm, I don't think so. Mark wouldn't be very happy with us if we blew up his home planet. Well, but then again, he _has_ attempted to blow up the Earth a few times..." Timmy blinked. Then he quickly shook his head. "Nah, nah. Yugopotamia's out."

"We also can't blow up Bodacia, then," Cosmo responded.

"We can't blow up the Planets of Dads and Moms," Timmy shook his head, "I'd rather not kill my own parents. Even if they are all just creepy clones of them...it would still be awkward."

"We can't blow up Mercury..." Cosmo tapped his chin. "...should we blow up Uranus?"

He, Timmy, and Poof all snickered again.

"I don't know, blowing up Uranus sounds like it would be _really_ messy," Timmy smirked.

"Uranus is really big," Cosmo giggled. "It would...it would certainly get Jorgen's attention if we blew up..._Uranus_."

"You're telling me, Uranus is _huge_," Timmy said. "How can Uranus be so big?"

"Uranus has rings!" Cosmo countered.

"Uranus probably smells," Timmy laughed, "I don't want to go there."

"Uranus probably smells worse than you think it does," Cosmo sniggered.

"Poof-_poof_," Poof rolled his eyes impatiently.

Timmy stopped snickering and cleared his throat. "Alright, alright, enough with the bad jokes. We can't blow up Uranus, or else we'll be making immature puns all day. That leaves...that...that leaves _nothing_! We can't blow up any of the planets!" He hung his head.

"What about Pluto?" Cosmo suggested.

Timmy raised his head again and looked at Cosmo oddly. "...Pluto? Pluto already got blown up a while back...by the President. Don't you remember that?"

"Yeah, but it respawned soon after. I remember 'cuz I reinvested my corn plantations on it." Cosmo stated. "Pluto is weird like that. No one cares about it, but it still sticks around for some reason..."

Timmy squinted his eyes. "So you mean Pluto is _back_? How is that even possible? And wait a minute...Pluto's not even a real planet!"

"That's the beauty of it!" Cosmo grinned. "That way, we can be destructive without being too destructive. Like you said—_just_ destructive enough. We're not blowing up a _planet_— we're blowing up a _dwarf_ planet. Doesn't sound as bad, now, does it? And anyway, it's just Pluto!"

Timmy blinked. A smile formed on his face. "Cosmo, I'm really digging this newly-intelligent you. Alright guys, we're blowing up Pluto!"

"_Yay_!...Oh, wait. Too bad about my corn plantations again, though," Cosmo said sadly as realization dawned upon him.

"Step two, we've gotta put some sort of extremely powerful land mine on Pluto's surface. Step three, we set the land mine off. With a remote, or something."

"A world blower-upper!" Cosmo exclaimed.

"A world blower-upper. Step four, after Pluto explodes, Jorgen will find out about the destruction we've caused, we'll get Wanda back from Remy and Juandissimo, and everything will be _just_ peachy."

Timmy set down his piece of chalk and dusted his hands off. The chalkboard read: '_1. Choose Planet, 2. Set Mine, 3. KABOOM!, 4. Get Wanda Back & Live Happily Ever After._'

"Sound good?" Timmy asked, turning to face the two fairies.

"Sounds good!" Cosmo stated cheerfully. "But...do you think it'll really work?"

"Sure I do," Timmy said. "If this doesn't get Wanda back, then...well, I guess we'll just have to keep blowing stuff up. But this is a good start!"

Cosmo nodded. "Okay! So I guess one of us has to determine the coordinates of the ideal place to set the land mine on Pluto and create blueprints to measure the dimensions of the land mine itself?"

Timmy and Poof exchanged a glance.

"...you can do that, Cosmo," Timmy said.

"Okay!" Cosmo grinned, _poof_!ing a straightedge in one hand and a tape measure in his other. "_Yay geometry_!"

"More-intelligent Cosmo is going to take some getting used to," Timmy remarked.

From right outside Timmy's window, a crack of lightning accompanied by a loud roar of thunder sounded so fiercely that the entire house quaked. All of the lights in the bedroom promptly shut off.

"Aw, man," Timmy frowned. "The thunderstorm must've knocked the power out."

"Poof-poof!" Poof squeaked in fear at the sudden absence of light, flying over to Timmy and clinging onto his arm.

Timmy held his baby brother tightly. "Don't sweat it, Poof, the lights will probably come back on pretty soon. Until then, we'll just have to work on Operation Save Wanda by candlelight."

"Just like the pioneers did when they built _their_ explosives!" Cosmo stated, _poof!_ing a candle into Timmy's hand.

Timmy rolled his eyes at Cosmo. "Alright, maybe you haven't lost _all_ of your stupid yet. Me and Poof will work on the world blower-upper."

"_Poof and I_," Cosmo grinned patronizingly.

"Yeah, whatever. And you work on the land mine..." Timmy scratched his head, "...because something tells me you know how to build one."

"Of course I know how!" Cosmo replied, "Piece of cake! I used to build them all the time when I was bored in elementary school."

"Alright, this is gonna be great," Timmy grinned. "Operation Save Wanda is in full swing! We're gonna get her back in no time!"

The three cheered. But, between their high-fives and hollers, little did the trio know that someone was watching them.

* * *

"So, Turner's planning on constructing a planet-detonating bomb?" the creature mused. "How very interesting."

The ominous man lifted the phone he conveniently had in his hand and dialed a number. The phone rang a few times before someone picked up.

"How many times have I told you to stop calling me?!"

"Glad you're so excited to hear from me," the man spoke monotonously. "You know, you still owe me for last week's poker game..."

"Yes, _yes_, I know, I'll get that money to you by next week! Is that all you called to remind me of?"

"That, and I just conceived a new plan to take down Timmy Turner."

"And what of it? So have I."

"_Really_? Did you just watch what I just watched?"

"I say! The rerun of yesterday's_ All My Biceps_?"

"...No."

"Oh. Disregard that. What have you been watching, my good chap?"

"I've been watching a diabolical plan plan itself," the man smirked, "and I don't have to lift a finger."

"That's very nice. What makes you think I'm interested in this plan?"

"Oh, but it's right up your alley."

"I strongly doubt anything you approve of is also up my alley."

"It involves blowing the earth up."

The creature on the other end of the phone went silent for a moment.

"...alright, you have my interest," the creature finally conceded.

* * *

"Why? _Why_?" Juandissimo shouted desperately, "Why must the lights go out so that I can no longer admire my beautiful face? It needs...to be..._admired_!"

The power outage had affected the entirety of Dimmsdale, leaving not one home, or building, or _cage_ free from the dark of the rainstorm. Juandissimo's living room was still luminescent from all the candles surrounding the pictures of Wanda, but the male fairy continued to sob mercilessly, clutching a handheld mirror in one hand, desperately trying to light it up with the glow of his wand.

Wanda watched him do so rather indifferently, reclining on the purple loveseat in the middle of the room. "Juandissimo," she began with a sigh, looking at her wand with concentration. "I've been here for a week and it's high time you finally told me. Why am I here?"

Juandissimo stopped and glanced behind him at Wanda, blinking. "Ahhh..." he began, "...because...you are an angel sent down from Heaven?" He grinned.

Wanda rolled her eyes, realizing she probably wasn't going to get the answers she wanted out of him. "I mean why did Remy want me as his fairy godmother," she rephrased flatly. "No one's told me that yet. I'm getting kind of restless."

"Mi amor, I would tell you more if I knew any more," Juandissimo said, turning back to the mirror to fret in it some more. "but I do not know the aim of all of Remy's actions. I think it would be a better idea if you would just ask him."

"Well, he doesn't seem like he's very keen on talking to me," Wanda pointed out, "and to be quite honest I'm not very keen on talking to him either."

Juandissimo shook his head. "Remy is capable of having civilized conversations. I am sure if you approach him gently enough, you won't have too much of a problem on your hands." He held his wand closer to the mirror in vain.

Wanda pursed her lips. "If you say so." In a way, she felt like it was against her better judgment, but she raised her wand. "See you in a bit."

"Why are fairies not equipped with night vision?" Juandissimo cried, thrusting his mirror in the air dramatically.

Wanda _poof!_ed out of Juandissimo's and quickly found herself in Remy's bedroom. The boy sat tranquilly on his bed and raised his head to look at Wanda as the glow of her wand disturbed the darkness.

"Where's Juandissimo?" Remy asked expectantly. "What is he doing?"

"He's...uh...crying in the dome," Wanda replied awkwardly, "Gee, um, it's dark in here."

"Of course it's dark in here, the power's out," Remy stated brusquely, "and I've no idea why the emergency generator hasn't kicked in yet. The repairmen in this town are simply lousy. But no matter, I like the dark." A malevolent smile crept on his face. "It makes my room feel more like a _lair_."

Wanda was unsure of how to respond to that. She folded her arms and thought for a moment. "So...so Remy, I was wondering if I could ask you something," she began.

"Will it take long?" Remy asked with disinterest, glancing at his wristwatch.

"No," Wanda said, although she wondered what else Remy had to do sitting alone in a blackout. "I just wanted to ask you why, exactly, you wanted me to be your fairy godmother."

Remy knitted his brow as he looked at Wanda, seemingly perturbed by the question. "What did Juandissimo tell you?" He spoke gruffly.

Wanda blinked. "Nothing," she replied honestly, "he didn't tell me anything. In fact, he was the one who suggested I ask _you_—"

"Whatever he told you, he's wrong," Remy snapped defensively. "He doesn't know what he's talking about. He's a clueless, no-nothing buffoon who spends all his time fawning over himself for no reason."

The pink-haired fairy was taken aback by the boy's sudden attack against his godfather. "Remy, he didn't tell me _anything_. And that's no way to talk about your own fairy godfather."

"Who are _you_ to tell me how to talk about anyone?" Remy retaliated.

"Well I'm—" Wanda held her hands up, "I'm your fairy godmother! And I don't know why, Remy, why? Why did you make me your fairy godmother?"

The boy glared at her. "You ask that in a condescending tone," he accused.

Wanda was growing increasingly frustrated. "What do you mean?"

"You ask as though you're not thankful," Remy elaborated.

Wanda raised an eyebrow in surprise. "_Thankful_? Thankful for what?"

"Thankful that I got you out of being Turner's?" Remy spoke in an annoyed tone. "I would have figured you'd be a bit more grateful that I got you out of your old lowly and poor life."

Wanda's jaw dropped as she became completely incredulous at the boy's words. "What in the world do you think you're talking about? My life was never 'lowly and poor,' and I was _perfectly happy _before you came and did all that stuff and brought me here!"

"Do I really have to apologize for trying to do a nice thing?" Remy snapped.

"A _nice thing_?" Wanda grabbed her head. "So let me get this straight, you thought that pulling me away from my family, forcing me to live with you and Juandissimo, demanding me around and treating me like dirt for the past week was a _nice_ _thing_ for you to do?"

"Well if you're going to find the _negatives_ in _everything_," Remy folded his arms.

Wanda slapped her forehead. "Juandissimo was wrong, you are impossible to socialize with..."

"So you _were_ talking to Juandissimo about me!" Remy exclaimed with a sudden fierce anger.

"I—" Wanda groaned. "You know what, this isn't working. I knew it was a bad idea trying to talk to you."

"Well maybe I'm not the one causing the problem," the boy replied snarkily.

"You _are_ the one causing the problem!" Wanda snapped. "You're the one causing all of the problems! There was no problem before you came!"

"It's unfortunate you feel that way," Remy stated bitterly, "I bet you get all of these ideas _gossiping _with Juandissimo, don't you? Tell me, what _else_ has he said about me?"

"He doesn't say things about you!" Wanda insisted, "At least, he doesn't say _bad_ things. He never says anything bad about you. So _I'll_ say it instead: You're a little brat!"

Remy's angry expression turned into a slight smirk at her accusation. "It's a bit too late into our conversation for compliments, Wanda."

Wanda threw her hands in the air. "That was not a compliment! If you've got some sort of backwards version of reality in your mind where bad things are good things and insults are compliments, then you've got a _really_ twisted vision of the world, kid!"

"Well maybe I don't want you as part of my world!" Remy retorted.

"Well then _why did you make me part of it_?" Wanda glowered. "Because _believe me_, I don't want to be part of it _either_!"

Remy gritted his teeth. "This plan was _supposed_ to run a lot smoother," he spoke sharply.

Wanda gave him an indignant look. "What plan is this?"

"Never mind, it doesn't matter anymore," Remy rolled his eyes, "I can see it was a silly idea for me to assume you'd ever appreciated what I've done for you."

Wanda had just about had it at this point. "If you expected me to _appreciate_ any of this—I—I don't know what to say! I honestly don't know what you to say, Timmy, _I don't know what you want me to tell you_!"

Remy blinked, the boy's expression suddenly turned to utter surprise. Then he narrowed his eyes with an icy glare at her. "What...did you just call me?"

"What?" Wanda spoke breathlessly, still fuming.

Remy's hands shook as he dropped them to his sides. "You...you called me..._Timmy_," he hissed, balling his fists.

Wanda blinked. "I did?" She paused, trying to think back to her earlier words.

"Get out," Remy snarled. "Just get out. Get out right now."

Wanda wrinkled her eyebrows, still struggling to remember everything she'd said. "I—"

"_Get out_! _Leave_!" Remy shouted. "_I wish you'd get out_!"

Before Wanda knew it, her wand had sparkled and she was back in Juandissimo's living room again. The pink-haired fairy glanced around in a daze, half-wondering if her conversation with Remy had all been a hallucination.

A couple seconds later, the lights in the room all flickered on. The power had returned. Wanda set her confusion aside as she recalled the events that had just taken place. She and Remy had gotten into an argument...she had sort of expected that would happen. But Remy hadn't sent her away until she called him the wrong name. At least, apparently she had—Wanda still couldn't exactly recall it, and she honestly didn't mean to do it. A strong feeling of remorse overtook her, and she wasn't exactly sure why. She didn't wasn't fond of him in the slightest—the argument had reinforced that—so why was she feeling bad about anything? She put her hands to her face in frustration. Her head hurt and she was feeling more homesick than she had ever felt right now...

She suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder. "Wanda—"

Wanda shrieked in surprise, pulling away from Juandissimo. She stared at him and put a hand on her chest. "Oh, I'm sorry, Juandissimo, you scared me!"

Juandissimo regarded her with the same amount of surprise. "_Lo siento_ for scaring you, my love. And also_ lo siento_ for telling you to talk to Remy, I...sort of heard everything that just happened."

Wanda exhaled and lowered her hands. "Oh, it's not your fault, Juandissimo, it's my own. In a way." She paused. "...But mostly his, I think. He's a brat, you know that?"

Juandissimo nodded halfheartedly, and looked at Wanda with concern. "Are you alright, my dear sweet? You look as though you're in pain."

"What? Oh," Wanda held her head, "Yeah, I've got a bit of a headache now, but I'll be fine. I think I should probably head off to bed early. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Alright, mi amor," Juandissimo hesitated. Before he let her fly off too far, he suddenly shouted out to her, "Wait, wait, Wanda! Before you go to bed! I have something I wanted to ask you."

Wanda turned around to look at him curiously. "What?"

Juandissimo twiddled his fingers, almost nervously. "I was just wondering, are you busy tomorrow night?"

Wanda regarded him with bewilderment at the absurdity of the question. "Uhhh. I...suppose..._nooot_..."

The Latino fairy's face lit up. "Then maybe, you'd like to accompany me to Chez Fairee for dinner tomorrow night? I can make reservations in a snap. It would be my honor."

Wanda blinked and stared at him, incredulous. "Juandissimo, are you...are you trying to ask me out on a..._date_?"

"Platonic, strictly platonic," Juandissimo quickly insisted, taking her hand. "A strictly platonic date, I promise you. It would be my privilege to take you out to dinner, _mi bonita_. Just this once. Please?"

Wanda stared at Juandissimo for a while longer, and the longer she did so her look of incredulity began to soften. A smile formed on her lips.

"Sure, Juandissimo, I'll go out with you to dinner tomorrow," she accepted. "Why not?"


	7. Dinner and a Kidnapping

_A/N: HELLO EVERYONE! Happy New Year! Yeesh, I didn't think this chapter was going to take so long, my apologies for that. I could give you a million excuses why, but that list would be much longer than this chapter. You'd probably rather read the chapter. Thanks to everyone who's been reading so far, and I'll try not to take several millennia to get the next chapter up!~ (:_

* * *

It was a nice, quiet and quaint evening in Fairy World the following night—a stark opposite of the intense storm that still continued to rain on Dimmsdale for almost two weeks straight at this point. Nevertheless, the troubles of Earth's weather were far from the concerns of the two fairies seated at a table in Chez Fairee, the fanciest restaurant in all of Fairy World.

In his eagerness, Juandissimo reached his hand out to place on top of Wanda's. "Mi amor, I will say that you look absolutely stunning in the dress you are wearing tonight." He smiled, his fingers walking up her arm, "It did not occur to me that you could look any more beautiful than you do on any average day, but you have quite outdone yourself."

Wanda's expression faltered, sliding her hand away from the enthusiastic Latino fairy. "Juandissimo..." she began reproachfully. "Remember what you promised."

"Right, right, strictly platonic," Juandissimo gazed at her admiringly with a soft smile, "but I cannot abstain from complimenting true beauty. Especially when that true beauty is _me_!...But I digress, we're talking about you."

Wanda sighed and smiled slightly at his somewhat backhanded compliment, raising her glass of wine to her lips and glancing out the window of the restaurant absentmindedly. Her mind drifted easily to Timmy, Cosmo, and Poof, and wondering what the world they were up to at the moment...

After a few moments of silence, Juandissimo cleared his throat. "So, Wanda," he started again with a grin, "how has your life been going since...since..._you-know-what_?"

Wanda looked back at him. "Since..._I-know_-_what_?"

"You know," Juandissimo rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "Since...we broke up."

Wanda blinked. "Uhhh. Well, it's been...a pretty eventful 9,900 years," she raised an eyebrow at him, "if that's what you're asking."

"Ah, it has been for me as well," Juandissimo nodded. "Many laughs, many tears, many broken hearts, many lonely nights, many cartons of expired milk...I am quite lucky to have stayed so sexy throughout all of it."

"Sure," Wanda rolled her eyes, placing her glass down on the table. She glanced idly at her wristwatch. "How long has it been since we ordered?"

"_Not as long as I've been without you_!" Juandissimo proclaimed desperately, grabbing both of Wanda's arms and pulling her to his face.

"Juandissimo!" Wanda pushed him away from her.

Juandissimo blinked, and cleared his throat as he quickly regained his composure, moving back in his chair. "Right, right, sorry. My apologies, mi amor, I'll try not to lose control of myself for the rest of this dinner."

"Juandissimo," Wanda said again, her gaze growing worried. "There's something else I think you should stop doing."

"What? Oh, sorry," Juandissimo smiled at her sheepishly as he _poof!_ed his random handheld mirror away. "Won't happen again, mi amor."

Wanda shook her head dismissively. "No...it's how you keep calling me _that_."

"Mi amor?" Juandissimo spoke in surprise. "But...mi amor, you _are_ mi amor. You have been ever since the first time I laid eyes on you those thousands of years ago in the courtyard of our high school," he replied smoothly.

The pink-haired fairy fretted at his response, casting her eyes down at the table. After considering her words for a moment, she spoke quietly, "Juandissimo...please stop denying why I'm with you."

Juandissimo regarded her in surprise. "What? What have I been denying?"

"You know the reason Remy made me his fairy godmother," Wanda stated firmly. "You've been claiming you didn't this whole time, but I'm not stupid. I know you're the reason behind it, so you can't stop claiming that you don't know."

Juandissimo's expression stayed surprised, slowly edging on distress. "Why...why would you think that I am lying to you, mi amor? I would _never_—"

"Juandissimo."

Juandissimo looked at at the pink-haired fairy's sour expression, and his surprise slowly turned into one of dispirit. He held up his hands in a defensive motion.

"Alright, one thing I promise you, this was not my idea. It was an accident...for the most part. It is just that, while Remy was still at F.U.N. Academy, I was sorting out his clothes right before his return and a photo I had of you must have slipped into his things."

Wanda rolled her eyes. "What is it with you and laundry? Come to think of it, what is it with _everyone _and laundry? First it's the monster running loose in Dimmsdale, then—wait a minute. You carry pictures of me with you?"

"Yes," Juandissimo pulled out his wallet and it flipped open to reveal several pictures of Wanda. "All the time."

Wanda slapped her forehead. "Where do you even get all of those, Juandissimo?!"

"Internet," Juandissimo frowned.

"_Internet_?! What—!" Wanda shook her head dismissively and slapped both of her hands down on the table, getting out of her seat. "Juandissimo, you need to get over me! It's over! It's _been_ over for millenniums! Why can't you understand that?"

"I do understand that, mi amor," Juandissimo said with a hint of sadness, "I understand that very well."

"Well then why are you still chasing after me? And _why_ do you keep calling me 'mi amor'? Because I'm not!" Wanda exclaimed. "After all these years, are you still under the impression I'm going to ever come back to you?"

Juandissimo folded up his wallet feebly. "I suppose I have always kept a small hope, _sí_. It is only in my nature. My mother—despite her excessive overbearingness and terrible cooking—taught me to always chase and strive toward my dreams, no matter how farfetched they were. And even though I have been aware of how fruitless my efforts have been for centuries...you were always my dream, Wanda."

Juandissimo lowered his head. At his words, Wanda's expression had slowly softened from one of frustration to one of deep sadness. She hesitated for a long moment, before finally lowering herself back into her seat and sliding one of her hands over to place it on top of his.

Juandissimo raised his head, surprised by her gentle touch. He watched her as she pondered what words to say to him.

"Juandissimo." She began softly. "I want to thank you for taking me out to dinner here. This place is lovely. And thank you for being so kind to me, and for accommodating me at your place and helping me adjust during these hectic past couple of weeks. It really means a lot to me, and if there was any way I could ever return those favors to you, I would. But...I know you know as well as I do that we could never be together. I just don't feel that way about you, Juandissimo, and to be honest I never really did. Besides, I'm married now, for goodness sake. _Happily_ married to a man I love! So I'm sorry, Juandissimo, but...I think it was just meant to be like this."

Juandissimo lowered his gaze from Wanda again, contemplating her words. "Okay," he finally spoke in a defeated tone. "I...I understand. I understand your point of view. If that that is how it is really going to be, then...I suppose...everything is in vain and my life is futile."

Wanda blinked. "What?"

"_MY BEAUTIFUL FACE IS A WASTE OF SPACE_!"Juandissimo shouted as he burst into tears, throwing Wanda completely off guard and causing everyone else in the restaurant to look over at the pair in alarm.

Wanda's eyes widened, worriedly regarding the distraught fairy and the many annoyed faces wondering what was going on. "Juandissimo, please don't cry! It's going to be alright!" She pleaded.

"NO IT'S NOT!" Juandissimo yelped, grabbing Wanda. "IT'S NOT ALRIGHT! IT WILL NEVER BE ALRIGHT!"

"Juandissimo, please_—_!" Wanda bit her lip.

"NO, NO!" Juandissimo released her in hysterics, "_You were right, Wanda_! I _was_ hiding the reason from you! EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT WAS RIGHT! THAT IS WHY YOU ARE SO PERFECT, AND I AM A _MEEEEEESS_!"

"Juandissimo, you have to calm down! They're going to kick us out! Now explain to me _calmly_ what you're talking about. What reason?"

Juandissimo lowered himself back into his seat and put his head in his hands in utter dejection. "One of the main reasons...Remy wished for you to be his fairy godmother was...because of me, yes. Because I am unable to commit to anyone, not any woman that I meet, no matter how hard I try, I just can't! And I do not know if it is just my overinflated personality_—_for which I cannot help because I am so sexy_—_or because I'm hung up on you, but...but you don't love me and my life has no meaning."

"No, no, no!" Wanda exclaimed desperately, "That's not true, Juandissimo! Your life has a lot of meaning, and you should know it! Look at Remy, for instance. You love Remy, don't you?"

"But of course!" Juandissimo lowered his hands. "He means everything to me."

"See? Now, Remy might be a...well, an extremely outright brat, but—but I'm starting to understand that he has troubles. I know he loves you. Think of how miserable and depressed he would be without you, Juandissimo. I know how much you care about him, and I know you give his life meaning. And you wouldn't be able to do that if _your_ life didn't have meaning. Do you understand what I mean?"

Juandissimo sniffled and glanced up at her. "I...I guess."

"And about the other thing," she put both of her hands around one of his and held it tightly. "I'm sure you will find someone that loves you just as much as you love them and that you can spend the rest of your life with."

Juandissimo looked up into her pink eyes, shining bright with sincerity. His violet ones remained downcast. "_Pero_...what if I never do?"

Wanda gave him a small smile. "You will, sweetheart, I promise you will. You've just got to look, and keep looking."

Wanda released his hand. Juandissimo stared at her, his eyebrows knitted forlornly. Slowly, his face softened.

"_Gracias_, Wanda," he spoke finally, hesitantly returning her small smile. "Thank you...thank you for everything, mi amo—I mean..._mi amiga_."

Wanda beamed brightly in a mixture of happiness and relief, and embraced Juandissimo. "You're welcome," she whispered.

Juandissimo hugged her back eagerly. Suddenly, everyone else in the dining room burst into cheerful applause. The two broke up from their hug and glanced around the room at all of the other diners who were watching them.

"Alright, show's over, folks!" Wanda snapped, waving her hands at everyone dismissively. "Get back to eating your overpriced food before it gets cold!"

"You'll still eat with me, _sí_?" Juandissimo asked hopefully. "After all, I did promise this was a strictly platonic date."

"Of course!" Wanda grinned back at him warmly. "After all, we did already order the food and I'm starving."

Juandissimo nodded. "I wonder why the food has taken so long," he shook his head in bewilderment. "Of all the dates I have had here, it has never taken _this_ long before."

Wanda chuckled slightly. "That's probably because you've never had quite a mental breakdown on any of your other dates, hon."

She gestured to the waiters floating in the doorway leading from the kitchen, holding their silver platters and shaking in fear as they stared at Juandissimo and Wanda.

"...Oh. Heh."

* * *

"It's done!" Timmy exclaimed with glee, "It's all done! The land mine is in place on Pluto and we're set to go! And it only took a couple days to get everything built and set up. Yeesh, that was fast."

"Well, what did you expect?" Cosmo shrugged halfheartedly, floating beside the boy. "We used magic. Everything's kind of instantaneous with magic."

"Now all we have to to do is press the big red button on the remote and Pluto is history. Ready to get Wanda back, you guys?" Timmy inquired, turning toward Cosmo and Poof.

Poof responded with a grin, but Cosmo held up his hands.

"_Wait_, _wait_!" the green-haired fairy shouted, waving his wand and _poof!_ing a few ears of corn in his hands. He embraced the vegetables tightly. "I have to say goodbye to my corn," he whimpered.

Timmy shook his head and turned his attention back to his window. "Here goes nothing. Count it down with me, guys— Ten!"

"Nine," Cosmo said nervously.

"_Poof_!" Poof squealed in fear.

"Sev—" Timmy stopped.

"Six," Cosmo shut his eyes hugged onto his corn tighter.

"—wait," Timmy frowned.

"Five," Cosmo looked over at Timmy, "The number before six is five. I know that. You know, because I'm smart now."

"No, wait, where...?" Timmy looked down at his hands and then around himself in confusion, and patted his pockets. "I...I was just holding the remote, wasn't I? Where'd it go? Cosmo, do you have the remote?"

Cosmo blinked. "No...why would I have the remote? You're the one who had it last."

"Okay, but I don't know where it is now. I don't even remember putting it down. Where did I put it down?"

"Well how am I supposed to know where _you_ put it?"

"Well I don't know where it is either! Poof, do _you _know where..." Timmy glanced around his bedroom in confusion. "—wait, what happened to Poof?"

"Do you think Poof took the remote?" Cosmo suggested.

"Maybe..." Timmy frowned, "Where did he go? Man,_ I _wanted to press the remote..."

Cosmo shrugged. "_Weeell_—on the bright side, if we're not blowing up Pluto, my corn is saved!" He grinned, before his expression quickly dropped. "Of course, on the dark side, I'll never get my wife back..._BUT CORN IS NICE_," he screamed.

"_Poof_!" Timmy called, cupping his hands around his mouth. "Come out, come out wherever you are, and give me back the remote!"

No response came to Timmy—the air of his bedroom was eerily silent. The boy glanced around in rising frustration.

"Okay, seriously, Poof, it's not hide-and-go-seek time, it's blow-up-Pluto-and-get-your-mother-back time," he continued to beckon, still no avail. Eventually, Timmy dropped his hands and shook his head. "Cosmo, you look on that side of the room, and I'll look on this side." He pointed.

"What?" Cosmo looked down from his corn. "What's going on?"

"Poof is gone and my remote is gone," Timmy stated. "We may as well play along in his game to find him."

"Oh, I gotcha. But wait—why can't _I_ look on that side? Why do _you_ get to look on that side?"

"Why does it matter which side either of us look on?" Timmy rolled his eyes.

"How about _neither_ of you look anywhere?" a third voice suggested monotonously.

It was a voice neither of them were expecting at all. Both Timmy and Cosmo looked up in alarm to face the two men who were trespassing in the boy's bedroom.

"_HP_!" Timmy shouted.

"_Anti-me_!" Cosmo corresponded fearfully.

"Well, well, well," Anti-Cosmo smirked, glancing over at his grey-suited companion, "What would you call this, HP? Anything come to you?"

"Well, I see Moe and Curly," Head Pixie stated lethargically, pointing at Timmy and Cosmo respectively, "but it looks as though they're missing a 'Larry.' "

"What do you guys want?" Timmy snapped.

"The usual," Anti-Cosmo shrugged casually, "To destroy you and all the greater good. All that sort of jazz."

"By the way, Turner," HP spoke up, "I think you were looking for this."

The cone-headed male held up a remote with a big, shiny red button on it.

"The world blower-upper remote!" Timmy exclaimed. "Give that back!

"World blower-upper," HP repeated, lowering his arm, "Hm, that's a cute name. Especially for such a mind-bogglingly explosive thing. Don't you think so, AC?"

"Quite," Anti-Cosmo nodded in response before turning his attention back to the boy and fairy with a condescending look—"Oh, and I also believe you two were looking for _this_ as well?"

The anti-fairy pulled a giant butterfly net out from behind him that encased the familiar purple-haired baby.

"_Poof_!" Poof cried in horror, tugging on the net desperately.

"_Poof_!" Timmy and Cosmo also cried in equal horror.

"Let go of him!" Timmy cried.

Anti-Cosmo ignored the boy, pulling the netted baby away from the two and glanced back over at HP with a smile. "HP, why don't you do the honors of explaining what we're planning to do here?"

"I'd love to, AC," HP replied and turned his attention to Timmy and Cosmo, holding the remote high in his hand. "I've been watching you two construct this device over the past couple of days and, now that you're done with it, we've come to confiscate it from you and use it for our own evil bidding."

"Basically, you've made this one of the simplest world domination plans either of us have ever endeavored," Anti-Cosmo remarked. "By building the bomb, you've done all the dirty work for us."

"Now all we have to do is move the bomb from Pluto onto Earth," HP explained. "Press this little button, and all humankind will be destroyed."

"We also figured we'd take the baby again so that we can use his magic to conquer Fairy World, enslave all fairies and whatnot," Anti-Cosmo finished, waving the butterfly net around carelessly as Poof whimpered.

Timmy's eyes widened. "No—you—you can't! You can't blow up Earth and enslave Fairy World!"

"Indeed we can," HP replied flatly.

"And none of this would've been possible if it weren't for the help of you Two and a Half Idiots," Anti-Cosmo stated cheerfully.

"Ha ha ha," HP gave his monotonous laugh, "Two and a Half Idiots. That's a good one, AC."

"Thank you, HP."

"Alright, can we just stop with the television-related puns and concentrate on the matter at hand?" Timmy glared at the two perpetrators. "First of all, you can't take our world-blower-upper. Any other day I'd be fine with an epic good-versus-evil showdown, but not today. It's really important and, at this point, we can't afford to lost any time blowing up Pluto. Second of all, really? You're still chasing after Poof? And wait a minute...how did you even _know_ that we were constructing a world-blower-upper?"

"I have eyes all over the universe, Turner," HP stated. "I understand why you constructed it and why it's important to you—you want to get your fairy godmother back. While that's not my problem, it is my moral obligation to take advantage of any world-domination opportunities at hand and also any opportunities to make your life miserable. This was a double whammy. Go me. Go me. It's my birthday. It's my birthday."

"And speaking of your fairy godmother," Anti-Cosmo began, "you may think it is in your best interests to get her back. But has the idea ever occurred to you that she might not _want_ to come back?"

"Well I'm gonna—" Timmy paused. He glanced at Anti-Cosmo with an irritated expression. "...what do you mean, 'she might not want to come back'?"

"When was the last time you saw, or had any contact with Wanda?" Anti-Cosmo queried.

Timmy glanced at Cosmo, who stared at Timmy blankly, still clutching his corn. "I guess it was the day she left, almost two weeks ago."

"Doesn't it strike you as _odd_ how she hasn't even made an effort to communicate with you since then?" Anti-Cosmo pointed out.

Timmy opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it, only resorting to glaring angrily at the spectacled anti-fairy. "I don't know. She must be busy," he shrugged.

"Oh, she's been busy alright," HP nodded. "Do you have any idea where she is right now?"

"I say, I believe she's on a date with that excessively attractive chap," Anti-Cosmo remarked, "Juandissimo Magnifico, is it?"

"She's on a—" Timmy blinked. "_What_?"

"What?!" Cosmo exclaimed.

"See for yourself," Anti-Cosmo gestured to HP. HP nodded, flipped his cell phone open, and handed it to Timmy.

On the phone's screen appeared Wanda and Juandissimo, sitting at their candlelit table in the Chez Fairee. The two appeared to be quite happy, laughing and chatting with each other as they ate their dinner together. The volume was off so nothing could be heard, but it was blatantly obvious how much of a good time the couple was having.

Timmy stared at the phone for a good few moments with a blank expression. Cosmo rushed over to the boy's side. "I wanna see!" The green-haired fairy cried, throwing his corn behind him.

Timmy handed the phone to Cosmo so he could see the scene. The green-haired fairy's expectant expression slowly dropped off his face and he furrowed his brow in confusion.

Timmy shook his head and glared back up at the two malevolent creatures. "Give me the remote back!" he demanded.

"Come get it," HP said dully.

The pink-hatted boy left the green-haired fairy's side and ran up to the pixie leader, jumping up in the air frantically in a desperate attempt to grab the device from his hand.

Anti-Cosmo chuckled and HP rolled his eyes. "This is less than pathetic," HP commented to the anti-fairy.

Timmy growled in frustration. "Cosmo, help me!" Timmy shouted at the fairy behind him.

Cosmo was still staring at the phone with a disheartened expression, scarcely hearing the boy's cry for help. "Huh?" He looked up.

"Help me get the remote!" Timmy shouted.

Cosmo narrowed his eyes and hurled HP's phone across the room. It hit the wall and smashed into little pieces.

"My phone!" HP exclaimed in horror—as horror-filled as his monotonous voice could sound, anyway.

As soon as the pixie was distracted, Timmy slapped the remote out of his hand. "_Ha_!" Timmy held the remote in his hand proudly.

"Oh no you _don't_!" Anti-Cosmo yelled, lifting the large butterfly net from behind his shoulder and thrusting it toward the boy. The net emitted a large beam of glowing purple light that shot out and hit Timmy.

"_Gah_!" Timmy yelped, throwing his remote up in the air as he was knocked off his feet in a colorful explosion.

"_Timmy_!" Poof cried in terror, horrified at the fact Anti-Cosmo had forcefully used his magic to cause harm to his older brother.

Anti-Cosmo swiftly caught the remote in his free hand and smirked. "You're not getting away with it that easily."

Timmy coughed as the smoke from the explosion cleared, lying with a daze in the big black smoldered circle on his floor.

"You'll also pay for breaking my phone," HP stated. "And by pay, I really mean _pay_. The warranty on that thing ran out last year. The new model costs twice as much as that one did. Good thing I have a back-up phone in my coat." He pulled his second phone out.

"See ya guys later!" Anti-Cosmo waved happily at Timmy and Cosmo. HP turned to look at him skeptically.

"What has gotten into you, AC?" HP folded his arms. "You've been acting strange all week. That's not how evil people leave a room. You of all people should know that."

Anti-Cosmo blinked, and shook his head to straighten his thoughts. "Yes, yes," he cleared his throat. "Quite right, fellow, uh...how _do_ we leave a room again?"

HP shook his head disdainfully. "We raise our hands in the air and laugh maniacally, for Pete's sake."

"Who's Pete?" Anti-Cosmo asked in confusion.

HP groaned and slapped his forehead. "Yeah, we should just get out of here. Have fun in your last moments of life, Turner."

"Tally-_ho_!" Anti-Cosmo exclaimed in an over-cheerful way, and he and HP respectively _anti-poof!_ed and _PING!_ed away.

Timmy finally stood up from the ashes, dusting himself off. He turned, hesitantly and wide-eyed, to look at Cosmo.

"So..." Timmy frowned. "...we just doomed the world."

"I think that's pretty destructive," Cosmo squeaked.


	8. In Which Evil Triumphs Over Sanity

_A/N: Not long after I finished the last chapter, I lost my reading glasses—which is my excuse for why this short chapter took a while. I still haven't found them yet, so be easy on me if this chapter has a lot of errors because I'm pretty much Velma Dinkley right now. Jinkies._

* * *

With a _poof!_, Juandissimo and Wanda both appeared in the large, shiny, white bedroom of their godchild, still laughing and joking with one another as they did so. Remy, who had been perched upon his bed, shot his head up at the arrival of the two, somewhat curious and mostly irritated.

"And where exactly have you two been all night?" the boy raised an eyebrow.

"_Hola_, Remy," Juandissimo saluted his godson, removing his coat and _poof!_ing it away. "Wanda and I just went out to dinner."

Remy's expression turned vaguely displeased, and he crossed his arms. "A date? You two went out on a date?"

Juandissimo and Wanda both nodded. "_Sí. _And it was a lot of fun, Wanda, no?"

"Yes!" Wanda replied cheerfully, _poof!_ing away her own coat. "It certainly was."

"So you two went out on a date and left me here, alone, for the majority of the night." Remy narrowed his eyes, leaning back on the headboard of his bed. He scoffed quietly, "Well, then. If this date was so important, why don't you tell me about about it, hm? Tell me about this very important _date_ that you two went on."

The two fairies proceeded to excitedly explain, in great detail, every aspect of the date to Remy, who sat staring emotionlessly at them as they spoke.

"And that's when we _finally_ came to a mutual decision to just be friends!" Juandissimo exclaimed.

"Yes, and I'm glad that's over," Wanda nodded. "No offense, Juandissimo, but the love letters in the mail were getting tedious. And I let Cosmo eat most of the beef jerky sculptures."

"_Sí, sí_, I completely agree," Juandissimo concurred, "But now, with a _real_ new start in my life, I can keep all of my jerky to myself!"

"That's the spirit!" Wanda grinned.

Remy, who had been listening intently with a stoic disposition the entire time, tapped his chin in contemplation.

It had been a while since something had snapped inside the boy.

"Remarkable," he simply said, drawly. "Well, now that you are home and finished with your dinner—I hope you realize that I've been sitting here, hungry and waiting for hours."

"Oh, _lo siento_, Remy, I'll get on making your dinner right away!" Juandissimo raised his wand, "I have a new recipe for tuna casserole! It tastes much better than the old one. Uh, at least, it is supposed to." He grinned and nodded toward the boy and Wanda. "See you back in a moment."

Remy waved him off and Wanda nodded. As soon as the male fairy had _poof!_ed away, Wanda glanced out the bedroom window.

"It's still raining," she stated, shaking her head. "Mother Nature's probably off getting her nails done again. That woman can't keep track of anything. I wonder when it'll stop."

"You're ugly," Remy said suddenly.

Wanda blinked, turned around to look at the boy in surprise. "Huh?"

Remy tapped his chin. "I said..._you're ugly_," A smile formed on his face as he repeated the words, the most sinister of sinister ideas forming in his head. "your hair is ugly, your face is ugly, everything about you is _ugly_!"

Wanda stared at the boy, wide-eyed, caught off-guard by the unexpected jibes about her appearance. "Well!" she spoke after a moment, folding her arms, "_Y__ou_ are a—"

"You are ugly, worthless," Remy named off, on a roll, "and—as I have come to find over these past couple weeks—useless, and you should never let anyone else tell you otherwise. In fact..." the boy stepped toward her and jabbed a finger under her chin, the fiendish grin widening on his face as he stared her in the eyes. "...I _wish_ you would never let anyone tell you otherwise."

Wanda cringed, moving away from Remy, suddenly growing disoriented and confused as her self-worth magically began to diminish. "R-Remy...why are you..."

"Listen to me, woman," he spoke in a low, calm voice, "you listen to my orders and do as I say. And I am not afraid to make your life, or anyone else's, miserable. Do you understand me?"

Wanda gasped as she quickly realized what he was doing to her. "You pretentious, evil boy! You're not going to rope me into any of your sick plans against me or my family!"

"Au contraire," Remy pushed Wanda against the bedroom wall. "I _already_ have you, woman. You belong to me. Why would you want to be on their side, anyway? They don't want you, Wanda. They think you're just as ugly, worthless, senseless, despicable..."

As Remy continued to list off insults, suddenly things clicked into place and they were the only words that made sense in Wanda's brain. Timmy, Cosmo, Poof? They didn't care about her! Why did she ever assume they did? They were probably laughing, having fun now that she was gone—happy to get rid of such a brutish, shrewish old nag as herself! Why did she ever assume they missed her after she left?

No, but something else in her head told her that was ridiculous. Of course they missed her, Remy was manipulating her thoughts. But she couldn't stop it, he was her godchild. She had to do as he said. He...he was right. She was worthless, useless, deplorable. Everything he was saying was true. A new wave of emotions hit her like a truck as she realized how unwanted she really had been to everyone all this time.

"I don't need you. You could leave now, if you wanted to." Remy asserted, "I'm not going to try and stop you. But would you really want to go back to your family, your _family_ that detests you? You have no place to go except off on your own, because no one likes you, Wanda. You're a shrill, ugly, repulsive hag," he smiled complacently, stepping away from her.

Something in Wanda was edging her to resist, but she had no choice but to believe every word he said.

"You're...a little...brat," she whispered as her psyche finally fell to pieces.

"I know," Remy looked over his shoulder as he strolled out of the room. "I know."

* * *

Meanwhile, Timmy and Cosmo were busy scoping out the perimeter of nighttime Fairy World for any sign of the two evil-doers and the fairy baby they had taken. After a while of looking around his pastel surroundings, Timmy regarded his green-haired companion skeptically.

"No sign of Anti-Cosmo, HP, or Poof anywhere here," the boy stated, "We should go look in Anti-Fairy World—I have a feeling our search will bear more fruitful there."

"Why Anti-Fairy World?" Cosmo frowned. "Why not Pixie World?"

"Because...Anti-Cosmo has a big castle and an evil lair," Timmy hypothesized. "He and HP are probably there and that's where they're keeping Poof."

"But HP has a big corporation, which is the equivalent of an evil lair!" Cosmo exclaimed matter-of-factly. "Who says they're not keeping Poof there?"

"Look, why don't we just finish looking around Fairy World first?" Timmy rolled his eyes, stomping off down one of the magical streets. "We'll figure out where to go from here."

"Okaaay," Cosmo trailed after the boy hesitantly, glancing around at the glowing buildings around them. "Timmy?" He called to the boy after a moment.

"Yeah?" Timmy looked behind him.

"Why do you think Wanda was on that date?" Cosmo asked hesitantly.

"Oh," Timmy blinked. He shrugged, turning to face forward again. "Uh, I don't know."

Cosmo was silent for a moment. "Do you think...Anti-me is right?"

"Do I think Anti-Cosmo is right about what?"

"Right about her..." Cosmo frowned. "...liking it better there?"

"_Liking it better there_?" Timmy stopped in his tracks. "Cosmo, don't be ridiculous."

"I'm not being ridiculous! Why do you think she hasn't called us in two weeks and is suddenly on a date having fun with Juandissimo?! He has beef jerky there, Timmy!" He squeaked. "BEEF JERKY!"

"And you think _beef jerky_ by itself is going to win Wanda over?"

"It would win _me_ over!"

"Yeah, but you're Cosmo. Think rationally," Timmy said, but then quickly rolled his eyes at himself. "Oh, that's right, _you're Cosmo_. You can't do that."

"_Yes I can_!" Cosmo exclaimed, grabbing Timmy by the shirt collar, "At least, I can _now_! I can think very, very rationally—I can think about numbers and letters and functions and equilateral triangles and the theory of relativity and the Arrhenius constant and the measurement of the speed of light in a vacuum, and I can think about the fact that my wife has been living with her sexy ex-boyfriend for the past two weeks. Oh," he whimpered, "I don't want to think about that. Why did you make me think about that?!"

"Calm down, dude," Timmy coaxed, "just because they were eating together at a restaurant doesn't mean you have to freak out about it. I'm sure they were just eating...as...friends, or something."

"Friends with a romantic background eating at the fanciest restaurant in Fairy World?!" Cosmo emphasized, "_I thought we were thinking rationally here_!"

"Ugh, I don't know, okay!" Timmy rubbed his head and got up from the ground. "Look, let's just find Poof and go from there, alright? Now he's obviously not here in Fairy World, so let's head on to Anti-Fairy World."

"Well why can't we go to Pixie World first?" Cosmo argued, "Who says they're not in Pixie World?"

Timmy sighed. "Can we just go to Anti-Fairy World first? I have a feeling that they're there."

"Well _I_ have a feeling they're in Pixie World."

"Well _your_ feeling is wrong."

"Your feeling is stupid!"

"This is stupid!" Timmy groaned. "Everything is stupid!"

"I'm not stupid," Cosmo crossed his arms.

"You're stupid if you think we should go look in Pixie World first!" Timmy snapped. "_I_ want to go to Anti-Fairy World!"

Cosmo scoffed. "Fine then! Go to Anti-Fairy World, see if I care! I'm going to Pixie World, and you can't stop me!"

"Fine!" Timmy rolled his eyes, "_I'm_ going to Anti-Fairy World and you can't stop _me_!"

"Fine!" Cosmo retorted.

"Fine!" Timmy shouted.

"_Fine_!" Cosmo raised his wand, and in a _poof!_ he was gone.

Timmy did not realize his mistake until too late.

"Wait...I don't have any magic!" The boy slapped his forehead as he stood, alone, in the middle of the dimly-lit Fairy World. "I can't get out of here!"


	9. Sympathy for the Devil

_A/N: I got my glasses back! I can see...*King Arthur voice* I...CAN...WRITEEE!  
__Once again, thanks to my readers, and two things: one, this chapter was hell (but I hope it's alright anyway), and two...I apologize in advance for the cliche at the end of it._

* * *

Wanda leaned against her bedroom door, worriedly in thought. It was probably one in the morning by this time. She covered her face with both hands, trying to put all of her issues into perspective.

Well, she was trapped under the jurisdiction of a maniacal eleven-year-old boy who once tried to murder her and was now completely manipulating her thoughts and emotions. That was a pretty big issue.

And even though she was aware that Remy had put her under a spell, it didn't lessen the severity of the thoughts the spell was provoking. She felt horrible for even being alive.

Wanda quickly remembered the last time she had spoken to Timmy, and how he had told her to call if anything led her to a bad premonition. Frantically, she held up her wand and let it transform into a cell phone. But, as she did so—a thought suddenly deterred her from proceeding to make the call.

Why would Timmy want her to call him if something bad happened if he cared nothing about her? Why did he even say that? He was...he was probably just messing with her when he said that! If she called him and Cosmo to tell them about what was happening, they'd probably laugh. That was the only reason they'd told her to call! To laugh at her expense and her worthlessness! That was the only possible explanation.

No, no, but Remy's wish was just making her think that. Wanda knew, at the same time being unable to stop her thoughts, and was growing increasingly flustered. However, what she knew most of all—above every other messed up thought in her brain—was that she was worried sick about Timmy, Cosmo, and Poof. She had to call them. Whether or not they hated her, she needed to speak with them. Wanda quickly pressed the button on her phone to call Cosmo.

Wanda clutched the magical device tightly in her shaky hands as it rang several times.

"_Hi! You've reached Cosmo's wand. Is this thing recording? I like cheese! Oh, yeah...please leave a message after the beep! Wait a minute—did I call you or did you call me!?_" **BEEP.**

Wanda frowned as the voicemail message ended. Cosmo didn't answer his wand. Why wouldn't he answer his wand? Didn't he have it with him at all times? She blinked. Well, of course he didn't answer it—he probably saw she was calling and decided to totally ignore it because he didn't want to talk to her or listen to her annoying, terrible, shrill voice speak her woes to him. Of course not.

Or...maybe he'd just missed the phone call by a spur of chance. If there was any ounce of hope left in Wanda, it was what prompted her to press the button to try and call him again.

Again, the phone rang several times.

"_Hi! You've reached Cosmo's_—" Wanda slammed the phone shut.

Her suspicions had been correct.

She put her head in her arms as she sunk to the floor. Her phone quickly transformed back into a wand as she contemplated the staggering amount everyone in the world hated her.

Suddenly, the door of the bedroom opened. "Wanda—"

Wanda gasped, raising herself off the floor. "Juandissimo!"

Juandissimo blinked. "Oh, sorry, I probably should have knocked. I know it is very late now and I should really be getting my beauty sleep, but I saw that your light was on and I just wanted to talk to you about something."

Wanda gaped at him, regaining some composure and lowering her hands. "I-it's fine, Juandissimo, sure. What is it?"

"Well, Wanda, now that you and I are amigos and I am no longer going to attempt to pursue you," Juandissimo stated, "I realize how you would probably be much better off, well—not living with me." He chuckled.

Well, she was a worthless waste of space. Of course he now wanted to get rid of her, Wanda thought.

"Now, I know that Remy is a boy with very obstinate thoughts," Juandissimo continued. "He is...rather stubborn about everything."

"Don't I know it," Wanda mumbled.

Juandissimo regarded Wanda closely now, growing concerned. "Wanda, are you alright? A sad expression stains your otherwise most beautiful face."

Wanda's eyes widened at his statement, and she writhed in confusion and anger. "Don't you dare!" she choked, "Don't you _dare_ start with me!"

"...Start with you on wha—"

"Don't think I can't see through that facade!" She howled, tears beginning to prickle her eyes. "You think it's funny, don't you? You think it's funny just to lie to my face? I might be ugly and worthless, but I'm not _stupid_!"

Now alarmed, Juandissimo backed away from Wanda in fright. "Wanda, what in the world are you speaking of? I would _never_ say—"

"_I can't believe you_!" Wanda roared with a sob. A sudden wave of guilt washed over her as she realized how loudly she was yelling at Juandissimo, and how much she was obviously scaring him. "...Oh. This...this is one of the reasons why..." she whimpered, "...why no one likes me. Because I just burst out yelling at people. Wow, I—I really am a terrible person..."

"I never said you were a terrible person!" Juandissimo exclaimed, flabbergasted.

"You don't have to!" Wanda shouted, tears rolling down her cheeks, "_Because I already know I am_!"

"Wanda, what is going on!?" Juandissimo was confused, and now worried. He floated closer to her and reached out his hand to graze her shoulder in an effort to calm her down.

Wanda pulled away from him quickly. "Don't touch me!" she snapped. "Don't even pretend that you care!"

"I don't even know—" Juandissimo started.

"_Just leave me alone_!" Wanda shouted, raising her wand to get her out of there.

With a quick _poof!_ she had gone, leaving Juandissimo alone and incredibly stupefied.

With a flash, Wanda was quickly in the shiny, white bedroom of Remy's. The boy was not asleep, instead perched upon his bed, watching the storm outside his bedroom window intently. At the sound of her entrance, Remy turned around.

"Hello, wretched hag," he greeted cheerfully.

"_You're horrible_!" Wanda screeched, wiping away her tears. "You're a horrible, terrible little boy!"

"Thank you," Remy smiled.

"I ought to smack you!" Wanda continued to shriek. "Beat your face in, you rotten, selfish little punk!"

"Do it," Remy taunted, "I dare you."

Wanda's fingers twitched and she grabbed hold of Remy's coat, pulling him to her face in a bout of rage. "You know how many godchildren I've had in my life? I have had hundreds, upon hundreds of godchildren. I've had godchildren that started wars! I've had godchildren that destroyed entire civilizations! But never have I had a godchildren as irredeemably, undisputedly evil as you."

Remy hummed to himself, barely concerned about the fact Wanda had him by the neck. "Hundred upon hundreds, you say? You must be quite old," he smiled, "you look it, too."

"You are unbelievable," she hissed.

"You are a disgusting crow," he retorted. "So how does it feel to be hated by everyone?"

"It's horrible, you terrible little degenerate," she choked out. "What do you think it's like?"

"That's exactly what I think it's like," he replied. "What I know it's like. Tell you what, Wanda, since there's something charming about the undeniably enraged way you speak to me, and since I think you've had enough, I'll go ahead and unwish my last wish," he asserted.

Wanda's eyes widened and her grip on Remy's coat loosened as her mind was magically contorted back to normal and all of her thoughts straightened back to the way they had been before. A surge of self-esteem returned to her psyche and she smiled slightly as her heart fluttered, not before looking back to the boy before her, regaining her senses and her anger as she glared daggers at him.

"You're loved again," Remy said flatly, "go figure."

"What...what...what kind of godchild makes up a wish like that?" Wanda snapped. "Like I just explained to you, I've had a fair share of evil godchildren. But you, _you_. You are on a different level. A different kind of evil, that doesn't just set out to be destructive for no reason like most kids are—you're a psychopath intrinsically bent on manipulating others for your own personal gain!"

"So you've figured out my game," the boy spoke suavely, "Good on you."

"What is wrong with you?!" Wanda grabbed her head. "Sitting around and emotionally manipulating people? What kind of kid is like that? What kind of kid does that for fun, instead of, say, going outside and playing with their friends? Isn't that what a normal kid does?!"

"I'm not a normal kid," Remy remarked. "Yes, it is what I do for fun, and no, I don't have friends."

"Well, maybe if you weren't such an ornery brat, you would," Wanda snapped. "Didn't you parents ever teach you manners?"

"Of course not," Remy rolled his eyes. "My parents barely even acknowledge my existence—they certainly wouldn't take time out of their lives to teach me anything."

"Well, somewhere along the line I'm sure you realized that what you're doing is wrong, and you don't just put_ spells on people for no reason_!" Wanda growled.

Remy glared at her. "Well, I for one think it's nice that you've seen what it's like to be me. Worthless, unwanted, useless? I bet you've never felt that before! You're not used to it like I am!"

"Well I—" Wanda cut herself off. "Wait, what?"

"Oh, but you can't understand!" Remy shouted, pointing a finger at her. "Of course you can't! Because _you_ have friends. _You_ have a family that loves you. You even had my fairy godfather on your tail for ten millenniums, while I'm just here. I'm Remy Buxaplenty, richer than you will ever hope to be, and _more miserable than anyone will ever be_!"

His voice cracked as he shouted the last statement, surprising Wanda, who was growing more incredulous by the second.

"Have...have you seen my parents?" he inquired suddenly, his voice squeaking considerably. "Because...because _I_ haven't. I haven't seen them at all. In fact, I haven't seen them since before I left for F.U.N. Academy. They'd do anything to get rid of me, you know that? They'd open up the phonebook and point to a random boarding school listing, just to ship me there so they wouldn't have to deal with me. It wouldn't matter what kind of school it was. It wouldn't matter if it happened to be a military school and _the most horrible, grueling thing I'd ever be put through in my life_!"

Now seething, the boy jumped off his bed and paced around his room, writhing in rage. At this point, Wanda's expression had dropped from one of anger to one of bewilderment, and, quite frankly, fear.

"I remember when they first called up F.U.N. Academy, they were laughing," he spoke bitterly, "They were so happy, so pleased about the vacation they would soon be going on, so pleased about all the time they'd have to count all of their money and recount it again, so pleased that they wouldn't have to deal with _me_ anymore!" he shook his head, lowering his face. "_They_ were happy, but what about _me_? Well, who cares about me? My feelings don't matter, they never mattered to anyone. Why aren't I happy? Shouldn't I be happy? I mean, I _am_ richer than rich. I can buy anything in the world that I would possibly want. Anything, absolutely _anything_! _Anything_, except for, you know, two parents who can remember my first name! But..." he lowered his voice and huffed in a sardonic way, "it's not like anyone understands."

Remy stopped talking and halted in his steps. Stunned by his sudden rant, Wanda could only float behind him dumbly. The room fell completely silent.

After a few long, lingering moments of pondering her thoughts, Wanda spoke.

"I understand."

"No you don't," Remy quickly dismissed.

"Yes...yes, Remy, I d—"

"_NO YOU DON'T_!" Remy screamed in her face. "_YOU DON'T_!_ NO ONE DOES_! Just because I put you under a spell for a few hours means _NOTHING_! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ABOUT ME, OR MY LIFE! _NOBODY EVER WILL_!"

And with that, the boy swiftly hightailed into his closet, slamming the door shut behind him.

"Remy!" Wanda exclaimed. She flew over and tried to open the door, but it was locked. She pounded her fist on the door. "Remy! I do..."

The pink-haired fairy sunk, finding herself now overwhelmingly concerned for the boy she had just as soon hated. "I do understand! I understand completely, Remy, and it's not because of your spell. I understood before that," she insisted. "Do you know who my father is?"

Silence answered Wanda's inquiry. Nonetheless, she knew that he still had to be listening.

"He's Big Daddy, head of Fairy World Garbage Incorporated," she continued, "he's the most powerful fairy in the world. Sovereignly. Sure, Jorgen Von Strangle's strong and he's got the guns, but my daddy has the _real_ guns...if you catch my drift," she cleared her throat, "anyway. I grew up in a very wealthy household. My daddy cared deeply about me, I know he did, but, he was frequently working, so I never got to see him much. Instead I was always left alone with my mother," she paused for a moment to chuckle softly under her breath, "...who favored my sister."

Another pause, and Wanda leaned up against the doorframe. "What I grew up with was worse than being ignored—it was constantly being pushed. She was always pushing me, always asking me, 'why can't you be more like your sister?' Claiming she only had one daughter...oh, she was a blast. But...she was my mother and I had to respect her, even if she made my life a living...oh, you get the point," Wanda rolled her eyes, "through my childhood, I always wanted to confront her and ask her why she hated me so much, but before I ever had the chance to, my daddy would always step in and buy us both something nice so we'd get over it. But...buying things doesn't solve the root of the problem. It masks it, but it doesn't make anything better. Money can't buy happiness." she lowered her gaze, "money can't buy love. I know. I...I understand."

Another long, impenetrable silence came over the room, only interrupted by the quiet rumbles of thunder in the distance, flashes of lightning staining the otherwise dark bedroom.

After a long moment, the closet door finally creaked open. Wanda's eyes flitted up attentively. The blond-haired boy stepped out, regarding her with a wary expression.

"It's...not..._fair_!" Remy howled, "_Why can't they love me_?!"

A choke escaped his mouth and he gasped as he was quickly brought to tears. Wanda moved toward him in a swift move to embrace him tightly.

"Parents are supposed to _love_ their children!" Remy emphasized, moving into hysterics, "They're not supposed to forget to acknowledge their existence or send them to horrible military schools without a second thought, and laughing all the way to the bank because of it! Why do I have to have them?!"

"No, no, it's not fair!" Wanda agreed, hugging him tightly. "It's not fair, I agree. No child deserves parents like that. Absolutely no one should have to put up with those things!"

"I...hate...them! _I hate them so much_!" he sobbed, "I hate them with every fiber of my being! I hate them as much as they hate me!"

"It's not that they hate you, Remy," Wanda persisted, "it's just that they don't have their priorities in life straight."

"Well they sure don't care about me! And I don't care about them! They can go ahead and leave for all I care, get rid of me once and for all and leave this town and go live out on one of their stupid resorts and drink their fancy champagne and count all of their money over and over twelve times a day without having to think about me and I'll never have to see them again and _I don't care_! I hate them!"

"Remy..." Wanda hugged the boy tighter as he burst into a new round of tears. "It's hard, honey...I know it's hard. I know what it's like. You have to stay strong. You can stay strong, too, Parents aren't the only people in the world who can provide support. That's why you have Juandissimo. He loves you so much, Remy, I can't even explain to you in words how much he cares about you."

Remy balled his fists and sniveled, burying his head into Wanda's chest. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry for calling you ugly and horrible," he whimpered. "I don't think you're ugly or horrible at all, I-I don't know, and I'm sorry for putting you under a spell, and I'm sorry for taking you away from your family...it's just that I've, I've always had Juandissimo as my fairy godfather and it occurred to me on day, if I had a fairy godmother, I thought...I...I just thought...a-and it was such a stupid thought..."

"It's okay," Wanda whispered, stroking his hair, "It's all okay. We all have thoughts like that sometimes."

"Stupid," he murmured, "I...I'm so stupid..."

"Honey, you're not stupid," Wanda bade, "trust me—I know stupid. Idealistic isn't stupid, it's optimistic."

"I thought maybe for once I could have..." Remy shook his head. "P-parents that loved me...a-and I know Juandissimo does, and I should appreciate him, and I feel bad...that I am really a greedy, unlovable ingrate..."

"No, no, everyone wants a set of parents," Wanda said, "it's only natural. I completely understand that. Not having a loving mother is what I struggled with...and I know what it's like to not have one...and just want one more than anything."

Remy sniffled, pausing for a long moment.

"I'm sorry for trying to kill you," he finally admitted.

"That's okay. As long as you don't try to do it again."

"I won't, I promise, I won't," the boy asserted. "And I'm sorry for...for being a brat."

"Honey, you don't have to keep apologizing," the fairy smiled, "We'd be here for hours."

Remy bit his lip. "I guess that's why I can't make friends," he laughed quietly. "I mess everything up too badly."

Wanda shook her head. "That's not what I meant. Don't be so down on yourself, because you don't know until you try."

"I've tried," he bowed his head, "People are just naturally repelled by me, as it seems, and the fee on rental friends goes up each and every day. It's like no one wants to be friends if they aren't getting paid at least 250 dollars by the hour."

Wanda considered his words for a moment. Then she spoke, "I think I know someone who could be your friend. For free."

Remy lifted his head. He knitted his eyebrows at her in confusion, until the realization set in and he blinked in surprise. "What? But...but no, I've...I've been so horrible to Turner, he'd...he'd never want to hang out with me! Not after all I've done to him and...and to you."

Wanda smiled earnestly. "Oh, you can't be too sure."

Remy frowned, and looked down at his feet.

"Remy?" Wanda spoke up suddenly.

"Hm?"

"I care about you."

Remy blinked. "You...you do?"

"Yes," she smiled. "and don't you forget it."

Remy stared at her for a few moments, before rushing into her arms for another hug.

In the pink-haired fairy's arms, the boy heaved a sigh of regret. "I suppose the first step to making a friend is returning what's rightfully his."

"I think we should get some rest, and in the morning we can sort it all out," Wanda suggested.

"Good idea," Remy nodded, head against her chest, as his eyes looked to the bedroom window. "...and good thing it's finally stopped raining."


	10. Your Godmother Should Know

_A/N: Mother of god what is going on! What happened to the font?! Yeesh, you take a month to upload a new chapter and everything changes on you...  
__I am super sorry for how long this took. Writer's block. Short attention span. Shiny things. Not a good mix. Anyway, I hope what I've ended up producing is decent. And thank you to my lovely readers for doing what you do best. :')_

_Oh, also WHOA there's a dog! Did you guys see that dog?! I actually really enjoyed the episode, and I'm super excited for this season. Even though I'm a cat person myself, I guess I can deal with this "dog" thing, you know, as long as the episodes continue to be as funny. Don't expect me at add that mutt into any of my fanfics just yet, though...what did you guys think? :) I want to know!_

* * *

"_FOR THE LAST TIME_!" Jorgen Von Strangle roared as he flung open the door of Fort Jorgen, garbed in nighttime attire of a bathrobe, curlers, and a green facial mask. "_I AM NOT INTERESTED IN JOINING YOUR RELIGION_!"

However, to the larger fairy's surprise, what stood in front of him was not a door-to-door zealot, but a familiar, sleepy-looking pink-hatted boy.

"I wasn't gonna ask you to," Timmy stated dully, wondering why Jorgen was wearing curlers when he didn't have curly hair...or barely any hair at all, for that matter.

"Timmy Turner?" Jorgen spoke incredulously. "What are you doing, visiting my home at such an inane hour in the morning? Why are you in Fairy World alone—where are your fairies?"

"Well, I kinda made a dumb move and accidentally let Cosmo go to Pixie World and leave me here. Poof is—with him," Timmy stated, quickly figuring it best not to get Jorgen involved in the whole 'the universe is doomed' thing just yet.

"Where's Wanda, then? Why isn't she supervising you two-and-a-half idiots?"

"Wanda isn't my fairy godmother anymore," Timmy said stressfully, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, that's right, the Buxaplenty kid bought her," Jorgen recalled, tapping his chin. "Well, what can I do for you, Turner? And why are Cosmo and Poof in Pixie World?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Uh, they're there...to...look at the...stock market," Timmy fibbed awkwardly, saying the first businessy-related thing that came to his mind.

"Stock market, eh?" Jorgen raised an eyebrow. "Well, Turner, It's a rather _odd_ time of the night to be checking the stock market, don't you think?"

"Uh, well, you know those stocks," Timmy shrugged, "Always...stocking...and...um...stacking at any given time."

"That is true," Jorgen nodded seriously, tapping his chin, "and it reminds me _I_ should check if my stocks are stacking too. Very well, then, to Pixies Incorporated we go!"

Jorgen pulled out his wand from right behind the door and pounded it on the ground. With a giant _POOF!_ cloud, the large fairy and the tiny boy quickly found themselves in the vast, grey, immensely boring land.

"Thanks, Jorgen," Timmy said, glancing around his new surroundings.

Jorgen, who was now in his regular army uniform sans the curlers and face mask, nodded. "Good luck with your stocks, Turner!" He exclaimed before running off in the opposite direction.

Timmy rolled his eyes at how easy _that_ turned out to be. He then turned his attention back to the several tall buildings that surrounded him. He pondered for a moment, rubbing his chin as he walked down the street. "Alright, Cosmo's gotta be here some place," he said to himself, "the question is, which one of these buildings should I look in fir—_oof!_"

On cue, the boy collided directly with the green-haired fairy who had also been heading down the street.

"Cosmo!" Timmy exclaimed quickly standing back up from the ground, "Yeesh, that was a lot easier that I had initially set it out to be."

"Timmy!" Cosmo blinked in surprise, but then narrowed his eyes, "Oh, I mean, _Timmy_. How was looking around in _Anti-Fairy World_ going for you, _Timmy_?"

"I never made it to Anti-Fairy World, Cosmo," Timmy rolled his eyes, "I don't have magic."

"Oh," Cosmo blinked. "Riiiiight. Wait, how'd you get here?"

"I tricked Jorgen," Timmy shrugged. "I'm pretty good at doing that, apparently...anyway, did'ja find Poof here yet?"

"Well, for your _information_!" Cosmo crossed his arms defiantly, but after a moment, dropped them sadly. "...no. He's nowhere here, I can't find him. And on top of that, my stocks just got stacked!"

"Aw, man," Timmy frowned, "Well, it's a good thing that you looked around here. I guess we should head to Anti-Fairy World, then?"

"I guess so," Cosmo agreed, raising his wand. "Just say the word!"

"Okay, I wish we were in—"

"Wait!" Cosmo exclaimed, lowering his wand and looking at it quizzically, "My wand is flashing."

"Uh..." Timmy blinked. "Don't tell me that's bad. Please don't tell me that's bad."

"No, it says that I have 2 missed calls," Cosmo explained, his wand suddenly transforming into a phone, "2 missed calls...from Wanda!"

"Wanda?!" Timmy exclaimed. "Wanda called you? Gosh dang it, Cosmo, why didn't you pick up?!"

"Excuuuuuuse _me_, my wand was on silent, okay!" Cosmo defended, crossing his arms, "it's like _three in the morning_ if you haven't noticed, I didn't want to wake people up!"

Timmy rolled his eyes, "Well, did she leave a voicemail?"

Cosmo pressed a couple buttons on the phone, "No voicemail. Hey Timmy, you wanna see my wand wallpaper? It's a cat wearing a bow tie! Haha, cats don't wear_ bow ties_!"

"Oh, man, what do you think happened?" Timmy frowned, pushing Cosmo's hand away from him. "Do you think she's alright? Do you think this is...this is Remy's ultra-super crazy evil plot? We—we have to go find her, Cosmo!"

"Right now?" Cosmo exclaimed. "But...but what about Poof and the universe and stuff?"

"Poof can put up a fight, he'll be fine, for a while, at least," Timmy asserted. "Besides, Cosmo, what's more important—the universe or Wanda?"

Cosmo blinked.

"Say the word, Timmy," the fairy raised his wand again with a determined smile.

Timmy nodded. _"I wish we were back in Dimmsdale—at the Buxaplenty Mansion_!"

* * *

With a flash, Timmy and Cosmo found themselves standing and floating, respectively, on the street in front of the colossal white mansion illuminated faintly by the security lights posted around the perimeter of the home.

Timmy blinked in surprise, glancing up at the night sky. "Whoa, it stopped raining while we were gone."

"Is that a sign?" Cosmo asked.

"A sign? You mean, like, an omen?"

"No, I mean, is that a sign," Cosmo pointed at a sign on the front gate that read '_**NO TRESPASSING - VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSECUTED, POOR PEOPLE WILL BE EXECUTED**_**.**'

Timmy fretted. "Oh, man...they probably have guards and security cameras all over this place! How are we supposed to get in?"

"Um, Timmy," Cosmo waved his wand, "Magic, remember? Maaaagic!"

"Oh, yeah, good point. I wish we were _inside_ Remy's mansion."

Cosmo's wand sparkled and _poof!_ed the two of them into a large, fancy corridor.

"Where are we?" Timmy asked.

"Inside the mansion, you idiot," Cosmo replied starkly, and then giggled after he said it. "Oh man, it really _is_ fun calling people stupid. I understand why you used to do it to me all the time."

"I _know_ we're in the mansion," Timmy glared at him, "I meant _where_ in the mansion are we?"

"Uhhh...oh! Hey!" Cosmo exclaimed suddenly, pointing at a paper plastered upon one of the hallway walls. "A directory map! This blue star says 'You Are Here.' " He pointed.

Timmy blinked, squinting at the large map in front of him, bewildered both by the necessity of a directory map in a person's home and at how large and convoluted the mansion's floor plan was.

The boy began to run his finger along the map. "Ballroom, Parlor Room, Dining Room, Master Dining Room, Fancy Master Dining Room, _Extra_ Fancy Master Dining Room...I can't find Remy's room anywhere on this map," Timmy frowned, dropping his hand in frustration. "Is it even marked on this thing?"

At this point, Cosmo was halfway down the hallway. "_TIMMY_!" The fairy shrieked.

Timmy looked up quickly. "Cosmo!" he called back incredulously, "You found Remy's room?"

"No!" Cosmo stuck his head out from a doorway down the hall. "I found the bathroom, though, and they have pure gold _toilet paper_!" He grinned and held up a roll for Timmy to see.

Timmy rolled his eyes, looked back at the map and sighed. "Man, going through all these rooms is gonna take forever—there are way too many doors to check every single one of them!"

"The _toilet_ is made of pure gold, too!"

"Cosmo! Get back out here and help me!" Timmy exclaimed, but when the fairy did not return, he sighed and marched ahead down the hallway, flinging open doors as he went.

"And where exactly do you think _you're_ going?"

Timmy blinked, as he was suddenly hoisted up into the air by a very large, muscular man in a security uniform. A second man in a matching uniform stood beside him, staring the boy down angrily.

"Oh, uh, hi," Timmy began, smiling nervously, "I'm, uh...the maid service?"

The security guards both glared at the boy, obviously not buying the excuse. Timmy gulped.

"Smell 'em up, Bruce," the security guard holding him instructed.

The second security guard stuck his nose out and took a long whiff of Timmy, and then scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Middle class, white collar spawn..._public school_."

"Does that mean we can execute him?"

"Ehhh, we'll have to ask the boss in the morning. He might not be poor enough to be executed," a grin formed on the security guard's face and he knocked Timmy's hat off, "but he _is_ poor enough to be tortured."

"Wait! No! Let me go! _Cosmooooooo_!" Timmy shouted as the two security guards hauled him away.

"Timmy, you have to come look!" the green-haired fairy shouted cheerfully moments later, flying back out into the hallway, "there's this weird thing next to toilet that sprays water up from it and it's freaking me out! And it's also pure gold, by the way, but you probably could have deduced that from my earlier observations about the rest of the—wait, Timmy, where'd you go?"

Cosmo glanced around the hallway, the buck-toothed boy nowhere to be seen. "Timmy, where are you? _Tiiiimmyyyy_!"

When no response greeted him, Cosmo frowned. Then, as he spotted the pink hat on the floor, he gasped.

"Oh, no, Timmy!" Cosmo exclaimed, picking up the hat. "My newfound deduction skills lead me to believe you were taken by force when I wasn't looking! _Why do toilets always have to deceive me_!" He exclaimed, putting his arm to his forehead melodramatically.

When the fairy lowered his arm, he suddenly noticed a door at the end of the hallway that stood out from the others, mainly due to the large, wooden "R" hanging on the door.

Cosmo flew up to the door and tilted his head. "My deduction skills also lead me to believe this is Remy's room. Gee, deduction skills sure are useful."

The green-haired fairy shrugged, and opened the bedroom door.

Upon doing so, he was immediately pinned to the back of the door with a large samurai sword at his neck.

"Come any closer, you measly peasant, and I'll _slice your head off_!" Remy snarled, holding Cosmo against the door, wielding the sword himself.

"Oh, _good_, you're the big-nosed kid that Timmy doesn't like!" Cosmo exclaimed with a grin, all danger of the situation meaning nothing to him. "I found you!"

The blond-haired, pajama-garbed boy blinked, slowly recognizing who the intruder in his room was. He backed away and lowered the sword with some confusion. "Oh. H-hello," he began with some reservation, "Um. Why are you in my bedroom?"

With the shake of a maraca and a _poof!_, a mud-masked Juandissimo appeared in the room. "_Qué diablos_, Remy, why are you screaming and disturbing me from my beauty sleep at this unspeakable hour?"

Less than a second after Juandissimo, Wanda appeared in her own night attire and lifted her sleeping mask. "Remy? Are you alri—"

"Wanda!" Cosmo shrieked.

Wanda gasped. "Cosmo!" she responded, the two of them quickly colliding in an embrace.

"You're not dead!" Cosmo stated excitedly.

"How could I be dead?" Wanda questioned amusedly. She suddenly grew dead serious and pulled away from him. "...please tell me Timmy and Poof aren't dead."

"No!" Cosmo laughed, but then frowned. "Err, well, uh...not exactly."

"Cosmo!" Wanda's eyes widened and she balled her fists.

"Okay, Timmy was with me when I got in this place," Cosmo stated quickly, holding up his pink hat for her to see. "But I don't know what happened to him, he just disappeared. I mean, he was next to me one second, and then _poof!_ he was gone. Haha, kinda like we do, y'know, with our wands? Like the thing that we named our son after? Yeah, like that, but not really, because, actually that's the thing he was just telling me he _couldn't_ do, so in a way it's kind of ironic that he just—wait...wait a minute. Have you been eating beef jerky?"

Wanda blinked, growing flabbergasted. "...not...recently?"

"Oh! Thank goodness!" Cosmo hugged her tightly again. "It's _not_ too late!"

"Wait, you came here with _Turner_?" Remy spoke, causing the two to look down at him. "Perhaps...perhaps he has been caught by one of the guards," he pointed out.

"Does anybody else realize it is four in the morning?" Juandissimo asked, rubbing his head with disorient.

"_Put a sock in it, pretty boy!_" Cosmo suddenly snapped, pointing down the mud-faced fairy dauntingly. "You may think I'm stupid, but _I_ think your jig is up!"

"You _think_?" Juandissimo and Wanda both spoke in surprise at the idea of him doing such a thing.

"Oh, yeah," Cosmo waved his hand dismissively, "It's this new thing I do, I'll tell you about it later. Before I do that, though, we should probably find Timmy."

Wanda nodded. She looked back over at Remy. "Remy, do you really think one of the guards captured Timmy?"

"Well, if Timmy was with him when they got here, then it's probably a good theory to start on." Remy replied. Then he tapped his chin thoughtfully. "And it's probably best we check them first to make sure they haven't killed him yet."

"_Killed_ him?!"

Remy shook his head. "Don't worry, they probably haven't. Turner never seemed less than average income. I'm sure they haven't killed him yet. Although knowing Bruce, he really likes to torture some of them..."

"What?! They're torturing Timmy?!" Wanda exclaimed.

* * *

"Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself!"

Timmy winced. "This seems like a cruel and very unusual punishment."

The other guard watched half-heartedly as the first guard had grabbed Timmy's arm and proceeded to make him slap himself repeatedly. He took a bite of a donut and shrugged. "This is what ya get for sneakin' around in someone else's house, buddy."

Timmy scrunched his face, now ignoring the constant slapping. "You can't do this! You have no right hold me up here forever, I'm just a kid!"

"Yeah, yeah," the guard rolled his eyes, "The reality is, whether you like it or not, we're keepin' you here until the boss tells us what to do with you."

At that precise moment, the doors of the Buxaplenty Dungeon were flung open by the prestigious, pajama-clad blond boy himself. "Carter and Bruce!" he demanded, "I order you to cease your punishing of this boy at once!"

The two guards took a lazy glance at the boy in the doorway, and then exchanged a glance with confusion.

"Who's that kid?" the guard eating the donut asked the other one. "And how does he know our names?"

"Oh, I think that's the boss's kid," the other guard replied.

"The boss has a kid?"

"Yeah, uhh, I think his name is Raymond, or something."

"My name is Remy," Remy stated bitterly. "But never mind. You've made a mistake in capturing him and I demand you to release them at once."

The guard swallowed his donut and scoffed. "Ehh, I don't know, Roger. Technically we're not supposed to take orders from anyone other than your—"

Remy held up a giant wad of cash and waved it at the two guards expectantly. The two guards' eyes widened, and they immediately dropped Timmy on the floor and ran over to Remy, panting excitedly like a pair of dogs.

Remy tossed the money disinterestedly over his shoulder, and the two guards went barking and chasing after it on all fours. As soon as the coast was clear, Remy turned and stepped forward to the brown-haired boy that sat on the stone floor of the room and offered his hand to him. "Are you alright, Timmy?"

Timmy was immediately repulsed by his hand and he shirked away from it, managing to push himself back onto his feet by himself, his eyes narrowed in anger. "Don't humor me, Buxaplenty! Where is Wanda?"

With a corresponding _poof!_ the three fairies all appeared above the two boys—Juandissimo now sans the mud-mask and Wanda sans her sleeping mask.

"I'm right here, sport!" Wanda exclaimed, rushing over to his side.

"Wanda!" Timmy exclaimed, his spirits immediately lifted as she pulled him into a hug. "You're alright!"

"I'm fine!" Wanda replied earnestly. "I've missed both of you so much, but I have to wonder—why in the world did you pick such an early hour to come see me?"

"That is exactly what I have been asking!" Juandissimo threw up his arms, more cranky about losing his beauty sleep than anything else. He _poof!_ed up a mirror and held it to his face in worry, tracing his fingers underneath his eyes. "_Dios mios_! The dark circles, they are already taking shape!"

"We're really sorry we didn't come to see you sooner," Timmy admitted, bowing his head. "We just kinda got...distracted, I guess. We came as soon as we found out you called Cosmo."

"I did?" Wanda blinked. "Oh, yeah, I did." She turned to look at Cosmo incredulously. "And you didn't answer!"

"You called at one in the morning!" Cosmo held up his hands. "I was sleeping!"

"You were sleeping?" Timmy blinked. "I thought you were looking in Pixie World!"

Cosmo blinked. "Oh, yeah, about that," the fairy started to play with his tie nervously, "Well, um, I _was,_ for a little while, but then I got kinda tired...you know, for a really boring species, the pixies have some really nice room service in their hotels."

"Cosmo!" Timmy slapped his forehead. "Okay, if you were in a hotel, how we manage to find each other on the street at three-thirty in the morning?"

"Well, I didn't sleep for that long. I had to wake up to check if my stocks were stacking!"

"Alright, wait a minute!" Wanda held up her hands. "_Why _were you two hanging out in Pixie World so late at night? You two better tell me _everything_ you did over the past two weeks while I've been gone. And while I appreciate your haste in coming to see me, how could you two have been so careless to leave Poof sleeping at home alone?"

Timmy and Cosmo's eyes both widened and they blinked.

Wanda raised an eyebrow at the lack of response she received. "Poof _is_ at home sleeping, like he should be, right? _Right_?"

Timmy scratched the back of his head contemplatively while Cosmo resumed to fidgeting with his tie.

"Timmy, Cosmo," Wanda snarled, "_where's Poof_?"

"Poof? Oh, Poof, aha, you see, about Poof," Timmy cleared his throat, a nervous and sheepish smile forming on his face as he continued, "It's kind of a funny story..."

"Funny as in 'ha-ha' funny, or 'I'm-going-to-strangle-you-both' funny?"

"Uhhh...I would...I would say, probably a...a mixture of the two."

"_Where's Poof_?!" Wanda demanded. "What did you do with my baby?!"

"Well, technically _we_ didn't do anything with him, it's HP and Anti-Cosmo's fault," Cosmo pointed out.

"_HP AND ANTI-COSMO_?!"

"Cosmo, you are not helping," Timmy stated flatly. "Right now is a really not a good time to act stupid."

"I can't control me! It's like ever since I've entered this house my intelligence has kinda been fading, though," Cosmo admitted with a shrug.

"Both of you _shut it_!" Wanda pushed Timmy and Cosmo both against the wall in one swift move. "Now _TELL_ ME, in _NO_ uncertain details: Where. Is. Poof?"

"Haha, you say no uncertain details," Cosmo held up his finger, "but it's funny because we _have_ no certain details."

Timmy facepalmed. "Yeah, your intelligence really _is_ fading."

Wanda, at this point, was seething with so much rage, her pink eyes began to glower a distinct shade of red. "_WHAT_ DID YOU TWO _DO_?"

"Okay, okay, Wanda," Timmy held up both of his hands quickly. "We'll tell you the whole story."

"But before we do, you have to promise you won't get mad!" Cosmo said quickly. "Oh, wait, is it too late for me to say that?"

And with that, (and Timmy's quick move to keep Wanda from smacking Cosmo upside the face), the duo began to explain the entire story to her from the beginning—all of the video games, cheese puffs, bouts of intelligence, world blower-uppers and kidnappings—everything, leaving nothing to hide.

"...so, in short, Anti-Cosmo and HP are planning to blow up the Earth and enslave Fairy World," Timmy finished. "and that leads us to where we are today."

"The universe is doomed!" Cosmo added, sardonically cheerful.

Timmy rolled his eyes. While the boy had been explaining the entire story to her, Wanda's expression went from one of seething rage to a less harsh facial expression, one that harbored some incredulity.

"So, let me get this straight." she folded her arms sternly, speaking through gritted teeth, "You two made...a planet-detonating machine, did the most destructive thing you could do and doomed the entire human and fairy race _just_ to get me back?"

Timmy and Cosmo nodded, hesitantly, in agreement with her statement.

Wanda blinked. She dropped her arms and her facial expression softened greatly and a bashful smile formed on her face. "Awww, you guys...I think that is one of the sweetest...and definitely the _STUPIDEST_ thing you two have ever done for me! Which is a new record..."

Timmy and Cosmo both exhaled a breath of relief and smiled. "Yeah, we figured it was par for the course," Timmy stated with a shrug.

"Well, _that_ was enlightening," Remy spoke up drawly, stepping out from behind Wanda.

Hearing the rich boy's voice made Timmy cringe as he one again recalled what he was doing there in the first place. "Get lost, Buxaplenty!" he hissed at the boy approaching him.

Remy revolted only slightly. "You didn't let me finish. I was going to state how enlightening it is that you would risk so much just to get my fairy godmother back."

"_My _fairy godmother," Timmy retorted. "She was never yours."

A second of unsureness twitched across Remy's face, before he promptly turned to give Wanda a hesitant look.

Wanda caught his eye and gave him a sympathetic glance, before looking back at Timmy. "Timmy, I think you should give Remy a chance to speak."

"Wanda, he kidnapped you," Timmy stated. "He shouldn't be given a chance to do anything."

"Timmy..." Wanda shook her head.

'"Alright, _WHAT_?" Timmy snapped in annoyance, turning back to face the blond-haired boy. "_What_ do you want to say to me, Remy? What is so gosh darn important?"

Remy narrowed his eyes for a moment and, with a wince, exhaled softly. "I'd just like to tell you, first of all, Timmy...I would like to apologize."

"Well we'll see about tha—" Timmy blinked. "Wait..._what_?"

"I think I owe you many apologies, actually," Remy continued, "for the way I've treated you in the past and...for _this_ shenanigan as well...everything. I want you to know that I am truly, and genuinely sorry for all of the things I've ever done to you."

For a moment, Timmy looked surprised. Then, just as quickly, he snorted, almost bursting out into laughter. "Yeah, no. Give me a break! I come up with some not-well-thought-out ideas sometimes, Remy, but I'm not _that_ stupid. What makes you think that I'd ever trust you again?"

Remy bit his lip, a poignant expression coming over his face. He then backed down, for he had no reply, and lowered his head.

"Trust him, Timmy," Wanda then piped up, causing Remy to raise his head and look back at the female fairy, who looked at him kindly. The blond boy smiled.

Timmy scoffed. "Wanda?! Are you kidding me? _This_ kid? After all of the things he's put us through? After he _took_ you? You can't be seriously—"

"Just trust him."

"I'm not gonna—"

"_Timmy_."

Timmy grew dubious, and looked from Wanda's stern glance back to Remy's hopeful—yet, to the pink-hatted boy, still too deceiving—eyes. He narrowed his own eyes in annoyance, but when Wanda didn't say anything more, he knew that she wasn't joking.

"Fine," Timmy finally said, although in a terse, forced way. "Whatever. I...forgive you, I guess."

Remy's face immediately lit up, along with an approving glance from Wanda. Timmy gave Wanda yet another incredulous look, tacitly asking why she would ever have told him to do such a thing, but the female fairy had swiftly changed gears back to the other very important matter they had to assess.

"Now that that's settled, I think we have a very important mission to undertake," Wanda then stated. "And that is—_rescuing my baby_!"

"Right, sounds like a good idea," Timmy stated.

"Right," Remy also agreed, which made Timmy scowl at him.

"You're not gonna help us, are you?" Timmy asked.

"Of course I will," Remy replied, his eyes taken over by confusion. "That's what people do for each other, right?"

"Yeah, alright," Timmy said, but he still wasn't completely convinced. "Whatever. We better stop wasting time and all go find Poof!"

"Hooray!" Cosmo exclaimed. "Reuniiiited and it feels so goood!"

Timmy rolled his eyes, while Remy clapped his hands loudly. "Juandissimo!" the blond boy beckoned, "Wake up!"

Juandissimo lifted his head with a start, having fallen asleep in midair. "_Qué_?! Huh—what—what are you all doing in my bedroom?!"

"May I suggest we head to Anti-Fairy World?" Remy leaned back to Timmy, ignoring Juandissimo's disoriented response.

Timmy nodded. "Let's head to Anti-Fairy World!"


	11. With a Little Help From My Frenemies

_A/N: Anyone remember this story? (facepalm) Insert excuse for why it took so long here. Alas, fear not, there will be no more waiting! This is essentially the last chapter of this story—I was going to add an epilogue, but it's not very precise in my head and I didn't want to make you guys wait even longer. ;-; So hurrah! I'm not really sure this chapter turned out the best but I hope it satisfies anyway. Enjoy, and please don't hurt me! :'D_

* * *

With a large _poof!_, the group of six appeared upon the ominous maroon clouds of the desolate world of the anti-fairies. Wanda flew ahead of all the males with authority and turned around.

"Alright, let's split up," she asserted.

Timmy regarded her with surprise. "Wanda, are you sure that's a good idea? This is Anti-Fairy World, after all..."

"Timmy, do you really think you're in a place to tell me what a good idea is?" Wanda asked him flatly. "I'll head off to Anti-Cosmo's castle. Timmy and Remy, you two stake out the perimeter."

"What? With him?" Timmy exclaimed, gesturing to Remy with annoyance. Remy looked perplexed.

"Cosmo and Juandissimo," Wanda continued, "you two watch the bridge. I'll head in by myself."

"Watch the bridge?" Cosmo spoke in confusion. "But...it's not going anywhere."

"By yourself?" Juandissimo spoke with concern. "Wanda, Anti-Cosmo's castle does not seem like a very safe place to go trekking through by your own delicate self."

"Trust me, all of you, I'll be fine," the pink-haired fairy base dismissively. "Besides—" She waved her wand and opened her head like a lid, exposing a giant radar inside of her skull. "—I've got Motherly Instinct on my side."

"So what're we s'posed to do?" Timmy asked.

Wanda shut her head and _poof!_ed up two sets of binoculars for Timmy and Remy respectively. "Make sure to prevent any loose pixies or anti-fairies that look like they're coming to threaten our plan." She then turned to point at the entrance of Anti-Cosmo's castle and the spiky, violet path that appeared to be pretty much the exact opposite of the Rainbow Bridge of Fairy World. "Cosmo and Juandissimo. Do you see that bridge leading to the castle?"

"Which one?" Juandissimo asked.

"It's that one, right?" Cosmo pointed.

Wanda rolled her eyes. "The _only_ bridge in this entire world, yes. You two go out to it and do the same as Timmy and Remy. Now wish me luck, I'm headed in."

"Ha, that'd be an ironic wish." Timmy tapped his chin. "Considering we're in the middle of Anti-Fairy World..."

"But Wanda, how are you going to get in?" Cosmo asked. "It's not like you can just barge in the front door!"

Wanda gave Cosmo a confused look. "You sure missed a lot back when you were pregnant, didn't you?"

* * *

Moments later, Wanda barged in the front door of Anti-Cosmo's castle. The corridor was completely empty.

"Alright, this floor looks empty," Wanda peered around the room. "I guess I'm excavating the upstairs next. _Poof, I'm coming for you_!" she shrieked before _poof!_ing her way upstairs.

* * *

Cosmo and Juandissimo inhabited the end of the Anti-Rainbow Bridge idly.

"Well, if we are gonna be out here for the long haul, I may as well make my beautiful self comfortable," Juandissimo stated, before attempting to sit down and striking himself with one of the shards sticking out from the bridge. He shrieked and grabbed his butt. "_Ow_! _The spike has pierced my beautiful—"_

"Don't try and get cozy with _me, _hotshot!" Cosmo shouted, pointing a finger in Juandissimo's face.

Juandissimo released his buttocks, a bit perplexedly. "I..._wasn't_ trying t—"

"You can't expect me to believe this is only about your stupid butt!"

"I was not trying to make it all about my butt, honest," Juandissimo held up his hands. "Also...what are you talking about?"

"What am I talking about? I'm talking about the fact you held me wife hostage for two weeks! What do you _think_ I'm talking about?" Cosmo snapped. "Your butt?"

"It was not I who held her hostage," Juandissimo stated, "that was Remy. And technically, it was not a hostage, it was a court victory. And technically my butt is not stupid, it is _gorgeous_!"

"Your butt is _subpar_!" Cosmo hissed, eliciting a gasp from the muscular fairy.

Juandissimo floated in stunned silence, causing the green-haired fairy to smirk at his displeasure.

Then, slowly, he became enraged. "You take that back!"

"Nope," Cosmo shook his head.

"My butt is far from subpar, it is a masterpiece!" Juandissimo insisted, "You better!"

"Not until you 'pologize for kidnapping my wife," Cosmo replied.

"I did not kidnap Wanda! As a godparent I am entitled to follow the wishes of my godchild, however unconventional and invading they may be! And however much I...may be okay with the proceedings..."

Juandissimo bowed his head with a frown.

"_Señor_, I apologize that through my fantastic ideals for my life—and Wanda's—I did not try to talk Remy out of it and only went ahead with the procedures, which did include seizing your wife. But this experience has enlightened me! It was shown to me that I am not in love with Wanda anymore! I can break free of my past and move on, onto greener pastures! Both me, and Remy..." Juandissimo paused, "and my butt."

Cosmo gave the Latino fairy a weird look as he spoke and then blinked as he was finished talking. "Break free of your past and move onto greener pastures?" he asked quizzically.

"_Sí_," Juandissimo nodded "So will you take back what you said now?"

Cosmo frowned, then shook his head and scrunched his nose. "No!"

Juandissimo gasped. "But you said if I apologized—"

"Your butt's still ugly!" Cosmo folded his arms. "In fact, it's even uglier than it was before!"

"What?" Juandissimo blinked. "But...why?"

Cosmo huffed and raised his head in the air, turning away from him.

Juandissimo stared at him, perplexed. "Uh...I thought you would be a bit more pleased that I will no longer be pursuing your wife?"

"Why would I be pleased about that?" Cosmo whined, glaring at him.

"Well, why _aren't_ you pleased?"

"Don't play dumb with me, Juandissimo!" Cosmo snapped regarding him with annoyance. "You know what this means for us!"

"What does it mean?" Juandissimo frowned.

Cosmo gave him a look of sadness. "If you stop chasing after Wanda...then...who..." he sniffled, "_who's...gonna send us beef jerky_?!"

Instinctively, the green-haired fairy grabbed the dark-haired one and started sobbing into his chest. Juandissimo's eyes widened in alarm.

"Uhh..." Juandissimo began, raising an eyebrow, "I have plenty of jerky, Cosmo. I can continue sending you more...if you really want me to."

Cosmo abruptly stopped crying and looked up at him in astonishment. "You what? You— You'd do that? For _me_?"

Juandissimo shrugged. "Sure, what the heck."

Cosmo squealed, pulling Juandissimo into a big hug, surprising the masculine fairy. "Yaaay! I'm so happy! You're the best, Juandissimo! Does this mean we're friends?"

"Sure we're friends, as long as you admit to one thing," Juandissimo held his hand up.

"You have a great butt!" Cosmo exclaimed, releasing him from the hug.

"_Pero _of course I do," Juandissimo waggled his eyebrows. "Now that that is settled. What were we supposed to be doing out here again?"

* * *

"What were we supposed to be doing out here again?" Remy yawned.

"Watching the castle, you idiot," Timmy snapped. "Remember? That's what Wanda said! Or were you practically asleep for that, too?"

Remy narrowed his eyes. "Well it's not my fault that someone came breaking into my home at three in the morning!"

"Not your fault? I came to rescue my godmother!"

"Well, you're doing a great job of it now, aren't you?" Remy remarked, "Letting her go into a horribly tacky castle by herself to clean up the mess _you_ made? Bravo, I do say, Turner."

Timmy narrowed his eyes at Remy. "You know, I don't know what messed up mind control thing you did to Wanda to make her want me to forgive _you_!"

Remy pursed his lips and sighed. "It's...it's best if we keep our animosities to ourselves, isn't it? For the sake of following Wanda's orders and getting your godbrother back," he added quickly.

"Sure," Timmy rolled his eyes. "Hey, shouldn't we split up? You go on that side of the castle and I stay on this side?"

"Juandissimo and Cosmo haven't split up," Remy commented, looking through his binoculars at the two fairies on the Anti-Rainbow Bridge. "They're just floating there and occasionally pointing at Juandissimo's butt."

"What?" Timmy looked through his binoculars. "...that's weird. Yet pretty unsurprising."

Remy sighed and rubbed his eyes. "It's much too early for this nonsense." He snapped his fingers. "You know what? I've got a better idea."

"Sure you do," Timmy rolled his eyes.

"Indeed I do," Remy pulled out his cell phone and began dialing a number. Timmy scoffed.

"What are you doing, ordering pizza?" The buck-toothed boy asked sarcastically.

Remy smirked. "Something to that extent."

* * *

Wanda turned her way down the corner of another hallway. "These corridors are endless!" She hissed. "You'd think that because I live in a castle completely parallel to this one, I'd know where everything was. Like the guest bathroom should be over here, and the nursery should be over ther—"

Wanda swiftly collided head-on with a blue-skinned, cube-shaped baby, dressing in footie pajamas and holding a headless teddy bear.

"_Aaahhh_!" Wanda shouted. "_Foop_!"

Foop only looked at her dazedly, mildly surprised, rubbing one eye. "Auntie Wanda? What are you doing in here? And _where is my binky_?" he whined, beginning to sob recklessly.

Wanda slid out of the baby's path and paraded down the rest of the hallway, "Alright, so that _is_ the nursery. That means the bathroom should be right over there, and—"

"The kitchen should be right over here."

"Yes," Wanda responded. "Wait, who said tha—"

Out of nowhere, several black tentacle-like ropes coiled their way around Wanda's body, pinning her to the wall of the hallway, one of them wrapping itself around her mouth. "Mmmmf!"

"Good work finding her, Foop," Anti-Cosmo spoke to the baby.

Foop smiled. "May I have my binky now?"

Anti-Cosmo obliged by shoving the pacifier into Foop's mouth.

Foop pulled the binky out with a grin. "Oh, how delectably soothing!"

Anti-Cosmo closed into Wanda's face. "Hello, Wanda," he greeted most sinisterly.

"And hello from me too," H.P. piped up, floating out of the guest bathroom.

Wanda struggled against the ropes, only managing to snarl at both of them.

"It's such a shame you didn't decide to retrace Cosmo's idiotic steps and recheck Pixie World," Anti-Cosmo pointed out. "It would've given H.P. and I time to drain Poof's magic before you got here. But oh, I suppose now that you're here we're just going to have to do it with you watching, aren't we?"

"I suppose that's the only way," H.P. replied, pulling the huge butterfly net out from behind him that encased Poof.

"_Mama_!" Poof squeaked.

Wanda screamed, still thrashing against the ropes pulling her down. Anti-Cosmo only shook his head disapprovingly.

"You took the baby into the bathroom with you?" Anti-Cosmo asked, disgustedly.

"Calm down. I only went in there to wash my hands," H.P. retorted.

Wanda managed to rip apart the black tentacle around her mouth with her teeth. "_Unhand my baby, _you goons!"

"Well, since she's asking so nicely," H.P. said, looking at Anti-Cosmo with a flat expression.

"We'll _certainly_ unhand him," Anti-Cosmo replied, waving his wand and _poof!_ing a large, vacuum-like contraption beside them. "...and then hook him up to this machine that's connected to both the Anti-Big Wand and the Pixie Tower that will drain Poof of his life force _and_ will also set off the Earth Detonator at the same time the lever is pulled, that is."

H.P. pulled Poof out of the butterfly net and hurled him toward Anti-Cosmo. "Go long."

Anti-Cosmo caught Poof with both of his hands and began to put him into the vacuum machine. "Any last words, child?"

"_Poof-poof_!" Poof replied irritably.

"Not so fast!" Wanda shouted. "If you two won't give him to me, then I'll have to force you to give him to me!" She raised her wand in the air.

One of the black tentacles reached over and snatched the wand out of Wanda's hand, constricting itself around it.

Wanda blinked. H.P. rolled his eyes.

"You do the honors, AC," H.P. gestured to the large red lever on the machine.

"_Poof_!" Wanda screamed.

"Oh, no, no, I simply couldn't," Anti-Cosmo waved his hand dismissively. "This was your plan—y_ou_ do the honors, my friend."

"No, no. I insist. You do the honors."

"No, _I _insist _you_ do the honors."

"I think you should do the honors, AC."

"It would be ungentlemanly of me to not let you do the honors, H.P."

"You do the honors."

"No, _you_ do th—"

"HOW ABOUT _WE_ DO THE HONORS?" A group of voices exclaimed in unison, busting through the walls of the castle.

About a dozen very muscular men, dressed in all black and toting large machine guns, were all aiming them directly at Anti-Cosmo and H.P. "_Silence and nobody gets hurt!"_

Anti-Cosmo and H.P. exchanged a glance.

"Where did you all come fro—"

All of the men looked at each other, dropped their guns, and started beating up Anti-Cosmo and H.P., the two yelping and screaming in pain as they did so.

One of them jumped behind Wanda and sliced her free of the ropes, allowing her to pick up her wand and move over to Poof to cover his eyes.

"Are you alright, ma'am?" The men asked in unison, spinning back around from the two beaten creatures and looking to Wanda.

Wanda blinked, flabbergasted. "Y-yes, I am."

"_Wanda_!" came a familiar voice from behind her. "You _are_ okay!"

Wanda spun around and meet eyes with the pink-hatted boy. "Timmy!"

"Timmy!" Poof repeated joyously.

"Poof!" Timmy threw his arms around the baby. From behind Timmy, three other people emerged.

"Well, that sure was good timing!" Cosmo stated.

"Indeed," Juandissimo agreed.

"How did you guys all—" Wanda began incredulously, and then turned back at the group of men who had again resumed clobbering the two, "And who are—"

"Blame Remy," Timmy rolled his eyes, looking over at the blond boy. "Why didn't you tell us you had your own personal SWAT Team in the first place?"

Remy shrugged. "No one asked."

"Remy!" Wanda shouted, flying over to hug him. "You saved us!"

"Of course I did," Remy smiled, "how else could I have repaid you?"

Wanda released Remy and he clapped his hands, summoning the SWAT Team. "Alright, that's enough, men!" He pulled out a wad of cash and tossed it at them. "Breakfast is on me."

The grabbed the money, saluted Remy, and then jumped into a conveniently nearby SWAT helicopter and flew away.

"This isn't over, you simpletons!" Anti-Cosmo shouted, although he was crawling on the floor in a pummeled mess, missing a few teeth.

"I think it is, Anti-Cosmo," a black and blue H.P. stated monotonously.

Remy smirked. "Would you like to do the honors, Turner?"

"Why don't _you_ do the hon—"

"Okay, let's not do that."

"Alright, alright," Timmy nodded, walked over to the vacuum machine, and broke off the lever.

"I told you, it's over," H.P. pointed out.

Anti-Cosmo snarled. "This was _your_ idea, you know."

"Well, Remy," Timmy began, marching back over to the boy, "even though you're kind of a huge greedy jerk and stuff, I guess you're, like...cool."

"Thank you, Timmy," Remy nodded. "You're...cool, too. Does that mean...we're cool?"

"Yeah," Timmy held his hand out. "We're cool."

Remy offered his hand and they shook on it.

"So does this mean everything's back to normal now?" Cosmo asked.

"I guess," Timmy shrugged. "Although I'm still not really sure what happened to your intelligence, Cosmo."

"That was his fault!" Anti-Cosmo snapped, pointing at H.P.

"_H.P._?" Timmy gave him a confused look. "Why did you increase Cosmo's intelligence?"

H.P. shrugged. "Because I thought it'd be good for a nice romantic drama. Instead all it did was give me an annoyingly stupid sidekick."

"_Sidekick_?" Anti-Cosmo shouted, incredulous.

H.P. rolled his eyes. "Too bad your intelligence is back the way it is normally is now. I wouldn't have guessed."

Cosmo blinked. "So!" He began again cheerfully, "Is everything back to normal..._now_?"

"_NOOOOOOOO_!" A giant, familiar, commanding voice roared, a giant _POOF!_ sounding behind the six. "NOTHING IS BACK TO NORMAL, OR WILL EVER BE BACK TO NORMAAAAAAL!"

"Jorgen?" The six exclaimed in unison.

"YOU TWO MORONS!" Jorgen reached down and grabbed Timmy and Cosmo in his fist. "Do you realize what you have done! You have not only disturbed my beauty sleep, but you have doomed the entire universe! Anti-Cosmo and H.P. have taken—"

Jorgen suddenly noticed the two he had spoken of, lying on the floor, beaten and bruised. Then he looked at Wanda, Poof, Remy, and Juandissimo.

"I'm...a little late to the party, aren't I?" Jorgen asked awkwardly.

"Yep," Timmy stated.

"You've gotten Poof back and stopped them from blowing up the Earth already, haven't you?"

"Yep."

"Oh." Jorgen dropped both of the males down on the floor with a _thump_. "Well, then, I suppose I don't actually have anything to chastise you guys for anymore. Darn it. I like chastising people. I also like punching them."

"You can punch _them_," Timmy gestured to Anti-Cosmo and H.P.

"Oh, goody!" Jorgen exclaimed, clapping his hands together.

"Jorgen, wait!" Remy held up his hand. "Before you become preoccupied in your pummeling, I want to ask a favor of you."

"What is it, puny rich one?" Jorgen asked impatiently.

"I would like you to return Wanda back to Turner," Remy instructed. "...her rightful godson."

"Really?" the large fairy asked. "Are you sure, Remy?"

"Yes," the boy nodded. "I'm sure."

Jorgen frowned. "...really, _really _sure?" he persisted.

Remy rolled his eyes. "You can keep the money I gave you, Jorgen."

Jorgen grinned. "Alright! Wanda, you are once again Timmy's fairy godmother."

"Yay!" Timmy cheered, he, Poof, Cosmo, and Wanda all forming one big, group hug.

"I'm out of here before it gets too sappy," Jorgen said. He reached down and grabbed Anti-Cosmo and H.P. in his fist before pounding his wand on the ground. "Bye everyone!"

Jorgen _POOF!_ed, and Wanda released herself from the group hug, to float down to Remy. "You'll be okay, won't you, Remy?" she asked hopefully.

"Of course I will," Remy smiled at her. "I'll be fine."

Wanda gave Remy one last embrace, before turning her attention over to the raven-haired fairy who floated, whistling nonchalantly behind Remy.

"And you, Juandissimo?" Wanda asked.

Juandissimo looked to her and smiled seductively. "No matter what happens, Wanda, in some way, shape or form, I will always love you."

"And you've got our address," Cosmo replied seriously.

Juandissimo nodded to Cosmo's statement and Wanda hugged him. The pink-haired fairy then turned back to the three other males in the vicinity.

"Are you guys ready?" She asked.

"To rumble?" Cosmo asked.

"To go home," Wanda finished, rolling her eyes.

"Oh, yeah. That too. Yes!"

"Yeah, I am," Timmy answered.

"Poof-poof!" Poof declared positively.

"Bye you two," Wanda waved. "Let's go home."

And with a wave of two wands and a rattle, the trio of fairies and the silly pink-hatted boy were gone.

Juandissimo looked at Remy expectantly.

"Say the word, _chico_," the fairy asserted.

Remy looked up at his godfather with a half-smile, then lowered his eyes and nodded. "Let's go home."

**End.**

_A/N: I would like to say...thank you for the overwhelming positive feedback on this story. I honestly didn't expect it and I hope this ending did not majorly disappoint, and I'm really sorry it took so long. ;-; Something this story revealed to me was how much of a subliminal Beatlemaniac I am, as the title "Buy Me Love" is a reference to a Beatles song, along with the title of this chapter and the last chapter. Strange (...not really). :'D_

_The epilogue was going to mainly consist of Juandissimo's musings, but since I'm not going to write it, I suppose you can assume and come up with your own ending to his love life. :D_

_Thank you to everyone for reading, and I hope to see some of you around the FOP section again someday!_

_~Evie_


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